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Wednesday 5 February 2014

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Today, I was at a swim meet. I asked my friend if he could be my wingman and help me get a date with a girl I really liked. I told him my plan, and as I finished and turned to go to her, I noticed her standing right there, listening in on the whole conversation. FML

by look before you speak / 02/09/2014 at 2:12am / United States / Love

Today, at the grocery store, an elderly woman asked for help with some tea. I lent her a hand, spending a good twenty minutes reading different labels out loud until she found one she liked. After she was done, she handed me a pamphlet and said, "You're a nice girl. I hope you don't go to hell." FML

by Lithiac / 02/04/2014 at 1:16am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was waiting in line at a clothes store when someone cut in in front of me, and the gentlemen in front of me. I shouted, "Hey! Queue starts back here!". He responded by pointing out the "gentlemen" in front was actually a very realistic mannequin. FML

by QueueJumper / 02/10/2014 at 7:45pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was ringing an elderly gentleman up at work. As I went to package up the buns he ordered, he held up a hand and told me to wait. He then looked me in the eyes, started squeezing them, then winked and told me to go ahead. I've never felt so violated. FML

by Anonymous / 02/04/2014 at 4:42pm / United Kingdom (Bristol, City of) / Love

Today, I was Skyping with a guy I'm really into. I'm not supposed to Skype at night, so when I heard my mum coming, I minimized the window. She walked in before I could mute my mic and started bitching me out for flushing my tampons down the toilet. FML

by FUUUUCK / 02/11/2014 at 3:00pm / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, after my car being in the shop for over a day and with no updates from the dealership, I decided to pay them a visit. The place was almost empty, and they hadn't done any work on my car. But judging by the used condom on my back seat, somebody got their own oil checked. FML

by Anonymous / 02/07/2014 at 7:28pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend gave me a teddy bear. I thought it was a sweet thing to do, until I saw him open a slit in its back while visiting later in the day and removing a bag of weed. He gave me a teddy bear just so he could smuggle drugs past my parents. FML

by Anonymous / 02/03/2014 at 4:29pm / United Kingdom (Suffolk) / Love

Today, I heard my sister talking to my mom about me, saying that I have the ability to suck the life out of a room like a Dementor. I walked in and asked what she meant by that. My mom replied, "She means you're an asshole." I love you too, mom. FML

by jigglepuff / 02/09/2014 at 12:00pm / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous

Today, my brother came to my first standup comedy act. He'd apparently read my material beforehand, and kept finishing my jokes for me. FML

by DeeDee / 02/04/2014 at 5:08pm / Austria (Wien) / Miscellaneous

Today, I took my girlfriend out to a vegetarian-friendly restaurant. She ordered shrimp fettuccine, and I asked why. She slowly explained to me that vegetarians can eat shrimp, then muttered that she now knows who has the brains in our relationship. FML

by not even getting any of her shrimp / 02/11/2014 at 4:50pm / United States (Utah) / Love

Today, Facebook put something out that shows a video of your entire life on the website. A part of it showed your most popular status update. Mine was from when I got dumped at Christmas. FML

by BigLove / 02/04/2014 at 9:25pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Love

Today, my in-laws kept mocking me for being "too clean" because I take a shower every day. They think I'm weird and kept saying things like "Be careful when you hug your daughter, she might squeak!" and calling me names like "water-wasting bitch." They haven't stopped all day. FML

by Anonymous / 02/12/2014 at 12:26pm / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, while cleaning a carpet in my house, something in it sliced my foot. I couldn't find what it was, so I went to clean the wound. 10 minutes later, I sliced my foot again on the same thing. I still can't figure out what it was. FML

by sashimi9999 / 02/06/2014 at 8:32pm / United States (California) / Health