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Saturday 21 September 2013

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, while sitting in a crowded waiting room at the doctor's office, my 5-year-old daughter pointed at my 6-year-old son's crotch and boomed, "MOM, WHY DOES ANDY HAVE A FINGER DOWN THERE?" to which he yelled, "IT'S CALLED A COCK!" FML

#20898150
103 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51384) - you deserved it (6692)

On 09/27/2013 at 4:00pm - kids - by SerenityJ (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I bought a live lobster to have for dinner. When my four year old daughter discovered it in the cooler, she thanked me incessantly for finally getting her a pet. She now won't let "Mr. Shelly" out of her sight. FML

#20883807
201 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47653) - you deserved it (8756)

On 09/16/2013 at 2:47pm - kids - by meganmagee (woman) - United States (Georgia)

Today, I broke up with my abusive girlfriend. She responded by breaking into my place and stabbing my hamster with a fork. FML

#20898181
284 comments

I agree, your life sucks (67304) - you deserved it (4087)

On 09/27/2013 at 4:33pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him. He told me he was a dinosaur. FML

#20883504
124 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43978) - you deserved it (5577)

On 09/16/2013 at 7:09am - love - by Kit (woman) - United Kingdom (Swindon)

Today, my ex-wife put my number on Craigslist as a gay fashion designer needing a one night stand. I only found out when I got a text from an unknown number asking me when was the last time I "ate a black anaconda". FML

#20894419
96 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53043) - you deserved it (5079)

On 09/24/2013 at 2:12pm - intimacy - by Craigslist is Evil. - United States (Tennessee)

Today, my niece, who is fifteen, convinced my six-year-old daughter that her name is spelled C-U-N-T, and just pronounced as Catherine. FML

#20893921
74 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39926) - you deserved it (3064)

On 09/24/2013 at 12:47am - kids - by cuntsmom (woman) - United States

Today, being the prank couple that we are, I decided to mess with my husband. When he got off work, I said, "The lady from your office called and said she was pregnant. From you." He immediately broke down crying, and said, "I knew it." Turns out, my fetus already has a sibling. FML

#20889450
93 comments

I agree, your life sucks (68172) - you deserved it (6597)

On 09/20/2013 at 9:30pm - intimacy - by oops - United States (Texas)

Today, I walked in on my roommate whacking off to clown porn. FML

#20895842
214 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51785) - you deserved it (6329)

On 09/25/2013 at 5:33pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United Kingdom

Today, I bumped into a really cute guy I know. I stuttered and floundered, before saying, "Hi, it's me, Megan Thomas." My surname isn't Thomas, but his is. FML

#20888741
69 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46732) - you deserved it (8312)

On 09/20/2013 at 7:23am - love - by hoolagirl4422 (woman) - Hong Kong

Today, I decided to be friendly and say hi to the weird kid at school, who was sitting by himself eating lunch. After I said hello, he stared up at me intensely and said, "I don't have many friends. Yeah. Mainly 'cause I've eaten most of them." FML

#20895757
134 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39049) - you deserved it (4997)

On 09/25/2013 at 4:02pm - misc - by scared shitless in ohio (woman) - United States (Ohio)

Today, yet again, I got to my desk at work at 8 AM to find my laptop turned on and porn sites opened. Weird porn sites. I have no idea who is doing this, or how they have access to my office, or how they got my login password. HR thinks I'm making this up. FML

#20894123
166 comments

Today, my girlfriend made bacon sandwiches for lunch. I didn't want to be rude, but I couldn't help but mention that the bacon smelled and tasted weird. I thought it may have expired. She said not to worry because she used the dry bacon under the counter. Those were dog treats. FML

#20894470
141 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47892) - you deserved it (4296)

On 09/24/2013 at 3:08pm - misc - by Undercooked (man) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I had to explain to my brother why it's not OK to stick his knob in the toaster. FML

#20893446
137 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40479) - you deserved it (3101)

On 09/23/2013 at 8:05pm - kids - by latter - United States (Maryland)



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