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Friday 9 August 2013

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, I was visiting my cousin's farm. Going out for a morning stroll, I took an apple with me to munch along the way. As I was eating it, I heard a distant thumping sound and was suddenly slammed into the ground. When I looked up, a horse was eating my apple. I got mugged by a horse. FML

#20836718
124 comments

I agree, your life sucks (54262) - you deserved it (6165)

On 08/14/2013 at 5:11am - animals - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Florida)

Today, I sprayed down some ants in my house. In the sea of ant corpses was a single living ant seemingly cradling a dead one in its arms. I'm convinced I just became the villain in an epic tragedy. Now I have to live with my ant problem because I can't bear to tear another family apart. FML

#20824961
192 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48002) - you deserved it (23088)

On 08/07/2013 at 1:40am - animals - by Blood on my hands (woman) - United States

Today, I got a call from my son's kindergarten teacher. Apparently my son asked a girl to marry him. After she said no, he stabbed her with a fork. FML

#20829995
137 comments

I agree, your life sucks (59309) - you deserved it (5428)

On 08/10/2013 at 12:02am - kids - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)

Today, my superior gave me a box of ethernet cables which were previously attached to mainframes storing classified data. He requested I cut them in half so that the residual data would leak out. Not only does this guy make twice my salary, there was no convincing him otherwise. We cut them up. FML

Today, while at a private lake, my colon declared a state of evacuation. I ventured as far from my family as my sphincter would allow, only to make eye contact with two very horrified kayakers mid-explosion. FML

#20830594
94 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42099) - you deserved it (4891)

On 08/10/2013 at 11:23am - health - by Oh-Shit! - United States

Today, I was having dinner with my boyfriend's family, and he was saying how well his driving lessons are going. During this conversation his mum told him to "stop blowing your own trumpet." He replied, "If I could do that, I wouldn't need Anna." His dad gave him a high-five. FML

#20836995
112 comments

I agree, your life sucks (63679) - you deserved it (8107)

On 08/14/2013 at 12:22pm - intimacy - by NoMoreTrumpetBlowing (woman) - United Kingdom

Today, while cleaning my ears with Q-tips, I came in my pants. FML

#20835942
148 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48122) - you deserved it (17175)

On 08/13/2013 at 7:53pm - intimacy - by ANON (man) - United States (California)

Today, I found my elderly neighbour on all fours in my garden eating my flowers. FML

#20836671
112 comments

Today, I went to my boss's dinner party. My sister, who also works with me, sat across from me at the table. I felt her kick me so I kicked her back. Then I heard something start crying. It was the boss's baby crawling under the table. FML

#20823157
97 comments

I agree, your life sucks (54122) - you deserved it (18178)

On 08/06/2013 at 1:07am - work - by offuckingcourse - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I realized that my anger problems have gotten out of hand, when I shouted "Fuck you!" at my toaster. My mood swings and loneliness have also reached a new high, evidently, as my next actions were to apologize to the appliance and then continue talking to it. FML

#20823279
107 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45803) - you deserved it (8961)

On 08/06/2013 at 2:19am - health - by Anonymous - United States

Today, my apparently braindead and now ex-boyfriend asked me if "this period thing" is going to happen a lot, and said that if it is, "we're so done." FML

#20824199
166 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50392) - you deserved it (4402)

On 08/06/2013 at 5:55pm - love - by Crouching Tiger, Hidden Retard (woman) - United States

Today, at the pool, a kid no older than 8 was sitting on the diving board, not letting anyone else use it. I went over and tried to reason with him, but he wouldn't listen. My uncle stormed over, said "I got this!" and punted him over the edge. We both got thrown out for "bullying" the kid. FML

#20827779
123 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46328) - you deserved it (6208)

On 08/08/2013 at 7:03pm - kids - by JuggaloSlasher15 (woman) - United States (California)

Today, for the first time in my life, I simultaneously sneezed, peed and farted. I was giving a presentation at work when this happened. FML

#20838395
89 comments

I agree, your life sucks (52164) - you deserved it (3740)

On 08/15/2013 at 5:47am - work - by bglenney - United States (California)



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