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Friday 26 July 2013

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, my parents staged an intervention because I ate a year's supply of noodles in 2 weeks. FML

Today, I was in a training about the newest changes in CPR. The trainer was discussing chest compression techniques and said she prefers "good, fast, hard pumping." I was the only one who snickered out loud, drawing several annoyed looks from the other trainees. I'm a 45-year-old doctor. FML

#20803758
116 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40548) - you deserved it (19346)

On 07/25/2013 at 11:15pm - work - by Anonymous - United States (North Carolina)

Today, my grandma walked into my house drunk. She was mumbling something about her being a badass because she beat someone with a pool stick at a bar. She's 68 years old. FML

#20804067
116 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40859) - you deserved it (3957)

On 07/26/2013 at 2:10am - misc - by dareyale (woman) - United States (Alabama)

Today, I returned from a long business trip a day early to surprise my wife. She was sleeping, so I climbed into bed and started spooning her. Thinking I was an intruder, she simultaneously kicked me in the groin, elbowed me in the ribs, and smacked the back of her head into my jaw. FML

#20805942
142 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45544) - you deserved it (25527)

On 07/27/2013 at 4:03am - love - by good_aim (man) - United States (California)

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me after 4 perfectly happy years together. The reason? He had a dream in which his dead former girlfriend from when he was 13 told him she still loved him. He now believes his dead childhood sweetheart is trying to contact him and I'm "in the way of their love." FML

#20805936
149 comments

I agree, your life sucks (61302) - you deserved it (4398)

On 07/27/2013 at 3:56am - love - by Immaculatedream (woman) - New Zealand

Today, my husband begged me to go down on him while he sat on the toilet, taking a crap. He tried to convince me that we'd both somehow experience mind-blowing orgasms. FML

#20815318
167 comments

I agree, your life sucks (63008) - you deserved it (6887)

On 08/01/2013 at 2:06pm - intimacy - by countryblumpkin (woman) - United States (Michigan)

Today, I learned that my wife used to strip while in college. I found this out when I brought her to a work party and my boss recognized her. FML

#20800769
110 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53339) - you deserved it (4107)

On 07/24/2013 at 3:33am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)

Today, I finally felt ready to make love to my boyfriend for the first time. It all went great, until I tried putting the condom on him. In the process, I managed to nick his penis not once, but three times with my nails. His eyes brimmed with tears and he completely lost his erection. FML

#20817205
151 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49573) - you deserved it (26987)

On 08/02/2013 at 3:44pm - intimacy - by fuck but no fuck (woman) - South Africa (Gauteng)

Today, my boyfriend suggested that we become "drug dealers" because I'm a chemistry student and he's seen a few episodes of Breaking Bad. FML

#20812711
103 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47633) - you deserved it (5054)

On 07/31/2013 at 12:50am - misc - by Bnewlove - Canada (British Columbia)

Today, I finally worked up the courage to start a Facebook chat with a guy I really like. It went so well, and he even agreed to hang out sometime. Seconds after we finished our conversation, he changed his status to: "Desperate bitches really piss me off." FML

#20803390
165 comments

I agree, your life sucks (62234) - you deserved it (7435)

On 07/25/2013 at 7:20pm - love - by sucksatlove (woman) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, I was at Walmart. A guy in a mobility scooter bumped into me, then told me to "get the fuck out of the way." When I told him to watch his mouth, he got up and shoved me into a shelf. Just a few minutes prior, he'd yelled that he was paralyzed from the waist down. FML

#20797503
101 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47969) - you deserved it (3245)

On 07/22/2013 at 12:53pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)

Today, I had a customer scream at me for ruining their child's birthday party. They had bought a Piñata from me and didn't know they had to fill it themselves. The kids had hit it open and it was empty. FML

#20809207
128 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51727) - you deserved it (4196)

On 07/29/2013 at 2:30am - work - by Fitz - United States

Today, I was taken to the hospital after I fell down the stairs. The physician who saw me bit his lip and said he would have to amputate my foot, and I fainted in terror. One of the nurses later told me to "learn to take a damn joke." FML

#20804580
107 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50467) - you deserved it (9648)

On 07/26/2013 at 12:25pm - health - by picklebug (woman) - United States (Minnesota)



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