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Wednesday 22 May 2013

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Today, I was stuck in my apartment complex's elevator. I was shouting out for help when a voice came screaming, "This is the fire department." I was relieved until he said, "Just kidding." FML

by Mylifesucks / 05/23/2013 at 1:11am / United States (Kentucky) / Miscellaneous

Today, a girl at my tanning salon was ranting about how expensive it was and how she wished there was a cheaper way to get a tan. I joked, "Like from the sun?" She angrily called me a "sassy bitch", screamed to my boss about me, and then threatened to sue us when he kicked her out. FML

by fuck you retail / 05/27/2013 at 4:18pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I fainted. Instead of stopping to help, some guy stopped to draw a penis on my forehead. The EMT laughed. FML

by Anonymous / 05/29/2013 at 11:21am / United States / Health

Today, an elderly woman couldn't afford all of her groceries at the checkout so she started to take out a few things. I offered to pay for her groceries; she thanked me and walked out. An onlooker then came up to me and told me that she does it to someone every week. FML

by $$$ / 05/29/2013 at 12:49am / Australia (New South Wales) / Money

Today, I was taking a bus ride home, listening to some music. The music stopped and I assumed my iPod's battery had run out. Turns out someone managed to steal it, leaving my earphones in. I didn't feel a thing. FML

by stupid / 05/27/2013 at 7:16am / Lithuania (Kauno Apskritis) / Transportation

Today, I woke up in bed with a one-night stand. We got really drunk the night before so I went to make a hangover-cure breakfast. Apparently he was so drunk that he didn't remember me, and when he came to the kitchen, he knocked me out with a pan and called the cops. FML

by paulinapo / 05/29/2013 at 9:53pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, my uncle drove to my house in his tractor, beer in one hand, and a radio strapped to the dash blasting country music at unimaginable volume. Neither of us live on a farm. Half the neighborhood stood angrily glaring at us until we went inside. FML

by unwilling redneck / 05/24/2013 at 6:48pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom took me to a bar to cheer me up after being dumped. Two cute guys around my age kept looking over at us the whole night. When I told my mom, she said she was going to get them to come talk to me. Instead, she ended up leaving with both of them. FML

by Anonymous / 05/22/2013 at 1:10pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, my parents posted on Facebook that they were excited that my sister was pregnant and couldn't wait to be grandparents. Last week I told them that I, a 33-year-old happily married woman, was pregnant and they told me I was ruining my life and encouraged me to have an abortion. FML

by pregnant loser apparently / 05/20/2013 at 12:31am / United States (West Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I helped an elderly woman carry her suitcase down a flight of stairs. When I got to the bottom, a man tackled me to the ground thinking I was stealing the woman's luggage. As I lay in pain, he ran up the stairs to return the suitcase and the poor woman had to carry it down on her own. FML

by gooddeedgonebad / 05/26/2013 at 5:19am / Australia (Western Australia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was stuck home with a cold when my boyfriend's best friend sent me a text saying, "You doing alright?" I replied, thinking he was talking about my health. He replied, "I'm surprised you're taking the breakup so well." What breakup? Mine. He was ten minutes too soon. FML

by really? / 05/28/2013 at 4:09am / United States (California) / Love

Today, my math teacher raged at a student for eating an apple in class. As he yelled at the student, he slapped the apple out of his hand and right into my face. Everyone laughed, including the teacher. FML

by WTFruits / 05/29/2013 at 2:29pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got to take my 10-year-old son to the junior high school at which I teach. When my students questioned him about what I was like at home, he told the entire class: "Well, she farts all the time." FML

by Laurel / 05/25/2013 at 12:37am / Canada (Ontario) / Kids