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Wednesday 1 May 2013

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, I found out that every time my girlfriend takes a big dump, she pretends as if she's giving birth and screams uncontrollably. I just moved in with her. FML

#20638599
99 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48296) - you deserved it (5159)

On 05/03/2013 at 7:32am - health - by poopydaddy - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I met my new roommate. She has a life-size cardboard cutout of Justin Bieber in her room, which I've seen her having actual conversations with twice already. I have to share a bedroom with this psycho. FML

#20640984
92 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51667) - you deserved it (4290)

On 05/04/2013 at 1:46pm - misc - by immovingout (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, I tried channeling Mr. Miyagi by catching a fly with my bare hands. It turned out to be a wasp. FML

#20643732
76 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20082) - you deserved it (45758)

On 05/05/2013 at 7:30pm - misc - by FML136969 - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, my nose started running while in bed with my boyfriend. I kept trying to wipe it off with my arm to avoid ruining the moment. My boyfriend then looks up at me in horror. Turns out it wasn't mucus; it was blood. And it was all over his neck, his shirt, and his silk sheets. FML

#20647224
117 comments

I agree, your life sucks (61571) - you deserved it (11844)

On 05/07/2013 at 3:29am - intimacy - by Sirah90 (woman) - United States

Today, I was getting into the mood with my boyfriend. Ten minutes into it, I told him to "teach me a lesson." His response: "I ain't no teacher." FML

#20629715
83 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46009) - you deserved it (11644)

On 04/29/2013 at 3:08am - intimacy - by unforgettablee (woman) - United States (California)

Today, from the balcony of my apartment, I watched helplessly as a teen came along and peed through my car's open window. FML

#20634162
111 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42113) - you deserved it (10858)

On 05/01/2013 at 12:44am - kids - by Sean - Canada (Quebec)

Today, my crazy neighbor came up to me in the street and slapped me across the face, accusing me of leering through her restroom window while she showered. I'm gay. FML

#20636451
93 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44194) - you deserved it (6141)

On 05/02/2013 at 4:27am - misc - by inyobeddd (man) - United States (California)

Today, my dad called me a "deadbeat loser" after I came back from my first day of voluntary rehab for my meth problem. He's never had a job in his life and sits on the sofa all day, smoking weed and playing video games, all on my mom's salary. FML

#20642863
176 comments

I agree, your life sucks (54500) - you deserved it (7846)

On 05/05/2013 at 11:53am - misc - by Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a breast exam. I'd never had one before, but assumed it would be quick and easy. I had no idea how ticklish my boobs are. I burst out in uncontrollable laughter and kept instinctively jerking away. FML

#20649324
60 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39896) - you deserved it (5012)

On 05/08/2013 at 2:42am - health - by Anonymous (woman) - United States

Today, I went on a run. Going a decent pace, I passed a woman walking her dog. I joked, "C'mon! Keep up!" Thirty feet later I stepped in mud, rolled my ankle and fell. The woman walked by as I lay in agony, and told me to keep up. FML

#20634623
94 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20376) - you deserved it (68969)

On 05/01/2013 at 10:27am - misc - by luvs2spooge89 - United States (New York)

Today, the neighbors in the next apartment reported me to the police for screaming at my newborn to "shut the hell up" every time he cries. I would never yell at my baby. My asshole of a dog on the other hand barks at everything, which terrifies the baby, causing him to cry. FML

Today, I was lectured by my mother for staying out until 2 am because I went to a gig last night. I was told I was irresponsible and made to feel ashamed. Not only do I live on my own and pay my bills, but I'm almost 30. This is a regular occurrence. FML

Today, my neighbours' whiny emo of a daughter got dumped by her boyfriend. In her infinite wisdom, she's chosen to cope by playing on her recorder the worst rendition of "My Heart Will Go On" that I've ever heard. It's been going on all day. Now I know why he dumped this idiot. FML

#20641408
133 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49688) - you deserved it (8530)

On 05/04/2013 at 5:44pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United Kingdom (Liverpool)



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