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Sunday 28 April 2013

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Today, it's my wedding day. I have a cold sore that makes me look like The Joker. Make-up won't cover it and the emergency medicine my doctor gave me only irritates it more. My future husband asks, "Why so serious?" and laughs whenever he sees me. Fantastic. FML

by sharibaby / 04/30/2013 at 5:26pm / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went on a run. Going a decent pace, I passed a woman walking her dog. I joked, "C'mon! Keep up!" Thirty feet later I stepped in mud, rolled my ankle and fell. The woman walked by as I lay in agony, and told me to keep up. FML

by luvs2spooge89 / 05/01/2013 at 10:27am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, my wife told me that getting in the mood to have sex with me is like trying to get in the mood to hit the treadmill. FML

by Who1s269 / 05/03/2013 at 8:13am / United States / Intimacy

Today, I was fired on my second day of work after a year and a half of unemployment. Apparently, my "tendency to solve problems instead of just accepting them made the other workers uneasy". FML

by anonymous / 04/24/2013 at 12:55am / Germany / Work

Today, I had to explain to a friend that the show writers for Glee did not write "Bohemian Rhapsody" and that Freddie Mercury did not steal the song from them. We're both 17 years old, and she reacted by kicking a chair at me. FML

by Anonymous / 04/27/2013 at 11:16pm / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, a family of geese nested outside my halls of residence. They have started attacking everyone who tries to get in or out of the building. I'm basically being placed under house arrest by birds. FML

by Anonymous / 04/29/2013 at 12:14pm / United Kingdom (York) / Animals

Today, I overheard my boyfriend admitting that he's only dating me because having me around "sucks a bit less than fucking my own hand". FML

by Anonymous / 05/03/2013 at 5:00pm / Germany / Love

Today, I met my new roommate. She has a life-size cardboard cutout of Justin Bieber in her room, which I've seen her having actual conversations with twice already. I have to share a bedroom with this psycho. FML

by immovingout / 05/04/2013 at 1:46pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I tried channeling Mr. Miyagi by catching a fly with my bare hands. It turned out to be a wasp. FML

by FML136969 / 05/05/2013 at 7:30pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was walking through a rough part of town, when a woman screamed that I'd stolen her bag. I was tackled to the ground by a large guy, who then gave my bag to her. FML

by whathehell / 04/27/2013 at 4:28am / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, I was feeling really sick at work. I messaged my boss whether his girlfriend, who also works there, could cover me. He then came down, shouting at me that whatever illness I have, I've also passed on to his girlfriend. I'm pregnant. FML

by work -_- / 04/22/2013 at 9:22am / United Kingdom (Surrey) / Work

Today, I walked out of a job interview feeling confident because I'd really hit it off with the interviewer. He called me an hour later to tell me that I didn't get the job, since he was afraid we'd "get along too well and never get any work done." FML

by Anonymous / 04/22/2013 at 7:37pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Work

Today, my husband laughed at me for farting in the bathtub; I lied by admitting to it. The fact is that I have enough back-fat to create suction against the bathtub. FML

by Anonymous / 04/24/2013 at 11:20am / United States / Miscellaneous