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Today I was out with mah grandma when a pair of very shady guys approachd us in the street hands in their pockets. Without breaking stride she pulld a knife out of her handbag and told them they'd better keep walking. They did. What the fuck gran? FML
TADAY AT WORK AT A FARM, WE GOT A NEW CALF. IT LOOKD LIKE IT HAD TO POOP, BUT WAS HAVING DIFFICULTY. ABOUT FOUR HOURS LATER IT STILL HADN'T POOPD. TURNS OUT IT WAS BORN WITHOUT AN ACTUAL BUTTHOLE. IT WAS THERE, JUST SEALD UP BY SKIN. I LITERALLY HAD TO CUT THIS POOR CALF A NEW BUTTHOLE. FML
Today, I walked into te living room to find ma 11-year-old daugter about to kiss er "not ma boyfriend" on te lips. Wen I asked wat se tougt se was doing, se peeled a piece of scotc tape off er lips and said, "It's okay! We're using protection." FML
Today, my dumbass colleague was too lazy to go buy balloons 4 a party in recognition of our company's huge merger!! Instead, he made condom balloons!! Let's just say you don't make blow up condoms 4 a prestigious company event!! A company whose CEO is named Dick!! looool FML
Today, I was hanging out with some friends, and I had to take a dump. After I was done, I realizd there was no more toilet paper, so I askd my friend to get me some. They threw in duct tape, sandpaper, and saran wrap, and told me to make a decision. FML
TODAY, I WANTED REVENGE ON MY COLLEGE'S DRINKS MACHINE. FOR THE PAST TWO DAYS, IT FORGOT TO RELEASE A CUP BEFORE POURING MY COFFEE. THIS TIME, I HAD PLANNED AHEAD; I PUTTED MY MONEY IN, ENTERED THE CODE, AND QUICKLY INSERTED MY OWN CUP. IT GAVE ME HOT WATER.
Today, I caugt ma 14-year-old daugter stealing alcool from me. After berating er 4 alf-an-our I finally said, "At least your not doing drugs." Se gave me a guilty smile an seepisly said, "At least I'm not a prostitute?" FML
Today, mah school took part in a standardized state test. After finishing, I decided to take a nap, only to be awoken by the test monitor,ho wanted me to leave. Apparently, I was ferociously farting in mah sleep and was disturbing the people still taking the test. FML
Today , while I was in the shower , I hered a door slam. Assuming it was mah fiancé , I shouted "I love you!" looool I later opened the bathroom door to see mah stereo and television missing. I'd said "I love you" to whoever robbed mah apartment. mega FML
Friday 27 March 2015