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Tuesday 9 April 2013

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Today, for the first time, I told my girlfriend of two months that I love her. She broke down in laughter and mockingly asked, "What are you, some kind of queer?" I could've sworn she was mentally older than a 5-year-old when I asked her out. I guess not. FML

by Anonymous / 04/12/2013 at 5:35pm / New Zealand (Auckland) / Love

Today, I was working the night shift at the hotel. One of my tasks is to clean out the pool robot. While trying to pull it up, I got pulled in. I had to hide naked in the laundry room for an hour while I put my uniform through the dryer. FML

by soakedga / 04/08/2013 at 12:56pm / United States (Georgia) / Work

Today, at school, I saw the guy I like at his locker. I decided to run up from behind and surprise him. I ended up accidentally slamming his locker on his fingers. FML

by saxophone911 / 04/13/2013 at 11:52am / United States / Love

Today, I didn't mind paying a little bit extra for my manicure because I forgot how nice it was to have someone hold your hand. Even if it was an old Asian lady. FML

by lonelygirl / 04/09/2013 at 12:59am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, after weeks of insomnia, I fell asleep. This would have been great if my brother didn't wake me up at 3am, screaming because his guild finally took down a raid boss. I'm now grounded for thumping him, and have to do all his chores while sleep deprived. FML

by do your own ironing / 04/15/2013 at 12:32am / Miscellaneous

Today, my friends and I were exchanging stories with one another. I barely got a few sentences in before they started mocking and viciously insulting me for saying "swaggered", claiming it comes from the slang term "swag", and that they never thought I was a "dumbass hipster". Really now? FML

by nice education you've got there / 04/09/2013 at 5:04pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, after an exhausting weekend of work, I decided to take a nap. I was awoken several hours later by my mother-in-law knocking on my door. Apparently my 11-year-old called up grandma to complain that she was hungry and that mum was sleeping instead of cooking dinner. FML

by jasminejzhu / 04/14/2013 at 5:58am / Australia (Victoria) / Kids

Today, I went to the funeral of my friend's brother. It was the first funeral I'd gone to, and I was really nervous. When the service finished, everyone went to pay their respects to the family. After I paid mine, they said, "Thank you for coming." I instictively replied, "My pleasure." FML

by Anonymous / 04/12/2013 at 8:13pm / Australia (Queensland) / Miscellaneous

Today, while trying to find my phone in the depths of the sheets on my bed, I gave my comforter a huge shake. A second later, I heard a crash. My phone had miraculously flown straight into the glass of water on my nightstand. Found it. FML

by Reno / 04/15/2013 at 12:25pm / United States (Nevada) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend's parents were out of town, so I stayed the night, hoping for some fun. Somehow, we started talking about conspiracy theories, and she spent the next half hour ranting at me about how Osama bin Laden is really still alive. FML

by InDisbelief / 04/12/2013 at 4:17pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Intimacy

Today, I got all dressed up, in high heels and a sparkly dress, to sit in the library for most of the night so that my roommate and his friends would believe that I have a social life. FML

by InNeedOfFriends / 04/11/2013 at 8:00pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, thinking I was alone at work, I did an impression of Goldar from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. I turned around to find out I wasn't alone; a cute girl was staring at me, unimpressed. FML

by Goldar / 04/09/2013 at 10:44pm / United States / Work

Today, for the fifth time since my parents got divorced, my father has decided he doesn't want to pick me up for his weekend because I'm "too responsible to have fun with." FML

by ouch / 04/16/2013 at 12:17pm / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous