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Saturday 6 April 2013

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, my twelve year-old son thought it would be a good idea to relentlessly shoot the mail truck with a paintball gun in front of all the neighbors. FML

Today, I regretfully confessed to my parents I have trichotillomania. There was a torturous pause, followed by the question, "Are you gay?" FML

#20575858
191 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29723) - you deserved it (4534)

On 04/05/2013 at 7:23am - health - by Anonymous (man) - Australia (Queensland)

Today, I was in the break room with my colleagues and our awful boss. As ever, he was talking trash, convinced that his jokes were actually funny. The window was open, and it was chilly. As he walked by it, I mangled my words and said, "Cedric, could you please shut your mouth?" FML

#20581032
74 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27877) - you deserved it (7178) - Translated from the french version of FML. Bon appétit!

On 04/08/2013 at 5:10pm - misc - by La Guigne - United Kingdom (Northamptonshire)

Today, as I walked out of the local store, I noticed a young girl was sitting on the curb, crying. I nudged her with the Snickers bar I had bought earlier, thinking she needed it more than me. After looking at it, she yelled, "PEDOPHILE!", punched me in the balls, and then ran away screaming. FML

#20584129
152 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43852) - you deserved it (11290)

On 04/10/2013 at 8:45pm - kids - by Me - United States (California)

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex; I know that some women are great multitaskers, but I'm guessing it was a bad sign when she started to go over the shopping list. FML

#20585940
60 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45585) - you deserved it (13379)

On 04/12/2013 at 1:05am - intimacy - by Fml (woman) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, in my job as an assistant at a music venue, I had to get posters signed by that night's performer. When I walked into the dressing room, I was told, "unless you're sucking my cock then get the fuck out of here" and had the posters slapped out of my hands. It's my job to deal with these pricks. FML

#20572312
98 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34585) - you deserved it (3092)

On 04/02/2013 at 9:26pm - work - by Anonymous - United States (Oklahoma)

Today, I met my boyfriend's family for the first time. We got on the subject of theatre, and his dad brought up "The Book of Mormon", how finally someone was making fun of those "nasty, polygamist, cultist freaks", and if his son ever dated one, he would disown him. I'm Mormon. FML

#20572732
34 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38512) - you deserved it (13254)

On 04/03/2013 at 1:48am - love - by kenabrookee - United States (California)

Today, my sister gave my laptop away and dumped a pile of her hamster's turds on my bed. All of this because I flushed the toilet while she was in the shower last night. FML

#20573279
161 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39396) - you deserved it (6068)

On 04/03/2013 at 2:45pm - misc - by poop (man) -

Today, I was driving home from a friend's house after a night of partying. Suddenly, I had to poop worse than I ever had to in my entire life. The pain was so bad I had to pull over and pretend to be checking my tires while I let out the entire contents of my bowels onto the road. FML

#20579905
104 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34954) - you deserved it (7995)

On 04/07/2013 at 9:47pm - health - by poopy pants - United States (Minnesota)

Today, I woke up with my face covered in blood. Turns out that yesterday at my colleague's birthday party, I got so drunk that I started yelling "Nappy time!" before falling out of my hammock and face-first onto the concrete ground. FML

#20580770
82 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14529) - you deserved it (36018)

On 04/08/2013 at 3:20pm - misc - by nosey (woman) - United Kingdom (Rhondda Cynon Taff)

Today, after my shift at the hospital ended, I happened to look into a full-length mirror. My new scrubs turned out to be see-through. Instead of my undies, everyone got a good look at my cellulite-ridden ass. Fan-fucking-tastic day to wear a thong. FML

#20583566
88 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36465) - you deserved it (16908)

On 04/10/2013 at 1:41pm - work - by birdiebeth13 - United States (Wisconsin)

Today, my boyfriend came over with a hickey on his neck. He thinks "The vacuum did it" is a believable excuse. FML

#20569989
101 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35985) - you deserved it (3733)

On 04/01/2013 at 1:17pm - love - by tkrause - Canada (British Columbia)

Today, the McDonald's in my town ran out of fries. I was the one who had to tell all the angry customers we had no more fries in the store. FML

#20571214
111 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34013) - you deserved it (3537)

On 04/02/2013 at 3:24am - work - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Pennsylvania)



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