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Saturday 30 March 2013

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, I gave my girlfriend an orgasm for the first time. She's a screamer. Her dog must have thought I was attacking her, because he immediately came over and started savaging me. FML

#20562430
80 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48591) - you deserved it (5558)

On 03/27/2013 at 2:26pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - Canada (Alberta)

Today, I was on the toilet, when I noticed I could see my daughter dancing in the other room in the mirror, so I took a picture with my phone. After I uploaded it, people pointed out that I was visible in the picture, sitting on the toilet and smiling. FML

#20566415
109 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15114) - you deserved it (56351)

On 03/30/2013 at 1:19am - kids - by crunknasty - United States (California)

Today, I casually mentioned to my mom that my boyfriend of two years and I were thinking about moving in together. She looked me dead in the eye and said if I ever moved out, she'd throw me out of the house. I'm confused. FML

Today, I came home from work to my 4-year old daughter cussing left and right. I asked her about it; she said that her brother had taught her some words. When I confronted him about the situation, he kicked my shin and screamed, "Stop treating me like a fucking child!" He's 5. FML

#20564455
197 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39608) - you deserved it (16932)

On 03/28/2013 at 9:13pm - kids - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I dropped our daughter. Our hypothetical daughter. Represented by a stuffed owl. FML

#20572997
133 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46676) - you deserved it (5541)

On 04/03/2013 at 9:32am - love - by Anonymous (man) - United Kingdom (London, City of)

Today, while going down on my girlfriend, I finally managed to give her an orgasm. During that orgasm, she tore out a clump of my hair, causing me to scream in pain. She scowled and said, "Ah shut it, ya little bitch." FML

#20577693
120 comments

I agree, your life sucks (52304) - you deserved it (12012)

On 04/06/2013 at 3:13pm - intimacy - by dating walter white's gf apparently (man) - United Kingdom

Today, it was my wedding day. Three people showed up. My mom, my dad, and the priest. FML

#20574279
122 comments

I agree, your life sucks (60307) - you deserved it (4458)

On 04/04/2013 at 2:46am - love - by nobodylovesme (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I went to visit some family out of state for my niece's birthday. I couldn't think of what to get an 8-year-old so I got her a Barbie doll. Everyone else got her money, iPods, game consoles, etc. When she got to mine she asked "how do I turn it on?" Then threw it away when she couldn't. FML

#20568124
314 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45406) - you deserved it (4696)

On 03/31/2013 at 9:32am - kids - by The_Black_Jesus - United States

Today, I was trying out my first vibrator. Soon enough, my 12-year-old sister opened my door, walked in, and saw me naked from the waist down. She laughed, called me a virgin, and left. FML

#20574621
189 comments

I agree, your life sucks (52005) - you deserved it (17663)

On 04/04/2013 at 12:04pm - intimacy - by Ribbed for Her Disaster (woman) - United Kingdom (Kent)

Today, I told my bald, goatee-sporting chemistry teacher that he looks like Walt from Breaking Bad. I quickly got sent to the principal's office and received a 3-day suspension for "slandering" my teacher by implying that he makes meth. FML

#20574865
104 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34052) - you deserved it (6000)

On 04/04/2013 at 4:07pm - misc - by me (man) - United States (Florida)

Today, at a romantic dinner my boyfriend was treating me to, the waiter brought a "Will you marry me?" cake out with candles and sparklers. I probably should have checked that they'd brought it to the right table before dramatically screaming "Yes!" and jumping into my boyfriend's arms. They hadn't. FML

#20559787
71 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38533) - you deserved it (6664)

On 03/25/2013 at 5:45pm - love - by franky (woman) - Germany (Niedersachsen)

Today, a blonde tourist came up to me and asked me for directions to the nearest train station. I politely directed her there, and she left. Five minutes later, she came back and slapped me for not bringing her to an "English-speaking station". We're in China, lady. FML

#20567861
132 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38956) - you deserved it (2590)

On 03/31/2013 at 2:19am - misc - by dumb tourists (man) - China (Beijing)

Today, I was on a scavenger hunt. One of the things on the list was to ask a stranger to marry them. I saw an old lady in a wheel chair; I tried to make her day by asking her to marry me. She declined and attempted to run me over with her wheel chair. FML

#20573755
84 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21015) - you deserved it (29917)

On 04/03/2013 at 8:24pm - misc - by nickcedola40 (man) - United States (Florida)



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