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Saturday 30 March 2013

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Today, I came home from work to my 4-year old daughter cussing left and right. I asked her about it; she said that her brother had taught her some words. When I confronted him about the situation, he kicked my shin and screamed, "Stop treating me like a fucking child!" He's 5. FML

by Anonymous / 03/28/2013 at 9:13pm / United States (California) / Kids

Today, I was chatting with a co-worker, and she mentioned she has trouble swallowing pills. I replied that I'm lucky, because I have next to no gag reflex. Half the guys at the other registers abruptly went silent, and I'm now being constantly hit on. FML

by Anonymous / 03/28/2013 at 4:56pm / France (Champagne-Ardenne) / Work

Today, I was discussing possible career choices with my relatives. Pretty much everyone expressed the belief that I'm screwed for life, with my grandma commenting later: "She ain't even got the tits for porn. God help her." FML

by flea-bitten / 04/06/2013 at 3:41pm / United States / Work

Today, my best friend was throwing me my bachelorette partly. A cop came by and said there have been complaints about the noise. Thinking he was the stripper we ordered, we pulled him into the house. He was an actual cop. FML

by Evalynne / 04/06/2013 at 8:55am / United States (Louisiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, I picked my 12-year-old daughter up from school after her first sexual education lecture. She burst into tears on the way home explaining her fears of being pregnant with her boyfriend's child. As if that doesn't sound bad enough, I've met her boyfriend before. He is imaginary. FML

by anonymous / 04/04/2013 at 6:52pm / United States (California) / Kids

Today, I came home in tears over finding out my boyfriend has been cheating on me. I told my seemingly sympathetic dad everything. His advice was to lure them both to our house with the promise of a three-way, after which he'd "kill the shit" out of them. Real mature, dad. FML

by immaturity all around / 03/31/2013 at 1:55pm / United States / Love

Today, the people fixing my phone called to say that for some reason, my phone's SIM card has wiped all my contacts except for four, and they are doing their best to try and recover the rest. I had to explain to them that I only had four contacts to begin with. The guy laughed. FML

by Mr.no contacts / 03/31/2013 at 3:00am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Miscellaneous

Today, my husband called me, saying he was in the hospital with a friend who'd just broken his arm. Too bad I then heard a female voice in the background mutter, "She'll never buy that". FML

by soontobesingle / 03/27/2013 at 3:55pm / United Kingdom (Dorset) / Love

Today, my little sister figured out how to use the printer. I came home to pictures of Nicolas Cage all over my room. FML

by Anonymous / 04/02/2013 at 5:22am / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, I gave my girlfriend an orgasm for the first time. She's a screamer. Her dog must have thought I was attacking her, because he immediately came over and started savaging me. FML

by Anonymous / 03/27/2013 at 2:26pm / Canada (Alberta) / Intimacy

Today, during a sex ed lesson, we were given a lecture on pregnancy and abortion from the school nurse. Throughout the session she kept repeating, "Of course, Sophie knows ALL about this." The nurse happens to know that my dad's a gynaecologist. That's not what everyone else in the year thinks. FML

by Soph / 03/25/2013 at 5:53pm / United Kingdom (Birmingham) / Miscellaneous

Today, my creepy co-worker walked up and said, "You know, I was having sex with this girl last night, and I almost said your name." FML

by QuinnyZebrass / 04/02/2013 at 12:11am / United States (Arizona) / Work

Today, I was on the toilet, when I noticed I could see my daughter dancing in the other room in the mirror, so I took a picture with my phone. After I uploaded it, people pointed out that I was visible in the picture, sitting on the toilet and smiling. FML

by crunknasty / 03/30/2013 at 1:19am / United States (California) / Kids