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Tuesday 26 March 2013

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Today, while on the way to Florida for spring break, I pointed out to my mom a bright blue car in the rear-view mirror. As the car overtook us, we both got a horrifyingly detailed view of the driver jerking off her passenger. FML

by Anonymous / 03/29/2013 at 1:13pm / United States (Florida) / Transportation

Today, I got dumped during sex. FML

by Bigfatfailure / 03/28/2013 at 6:02am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I was at McDonald's. As I left the counter with the food, I heard the cashier mutter, "Fat ass." I turned around and demanded to see the manager. Once he came and heard the situation, he looked at me and said, "Well, it's not like he's wrong, right?" FML

by first time at McDonald's in months... / 03/27/2013 at 1:04am / United States / Health

Today, I was late to a lecture when I tripped up the stairs. With a few hundred people already staring and laughing at me, I started to curtsy to my "adoring fans" but instead fell backwards down the massive flight of stairs. FML

by Anonymous / 03/25/2013 at 2:03am / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got so drunk that I tasered myself in the balls as a joke, fell down my friend's porch stairs and rolled out into the street. FML

by anon / 03/25/2013 at 2:31pm / United States / Health

Today, at a romantic dinner my boyfriend was treating me to, the waiter brought a "Will you marry me?" cake out with candles and sparklers. I probably should have checked that they'd brought it to the right table before dramatically screaming "Yes!" and jumping into my boyfriend's arms. They hadn't. FML

by franky / 03/25/2013 at 5:45pm / Germany (Niedersachsen) / Love

Today, a blonde tourist came up to me and asked me for directions to the nearest train station. I politely directed her there, and she left. Five minutes later, she came back and slapped me for not bringing her to an "English-speaking station". We're in China, lady. FML

by dumb tourists / 03/31/2013 at 2:19am / China (Beijing) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that what my husband meant by "we should try swinging" is "I really want to have sex with this one friend of yours, and if you so much as make eye contact with any guy I'm going to totally flip out and threaten to kill him and you." FML

by SwinginSolo / 03/26/2013 at 8:07am / United States / Intimacy

Today, I was violently throwing up due to severe morning sickness. My boyfriend looked at me, then turned and walked away. In the end, my daughter gave me some paper towel and her juice. My 18-month-old is more supportive of my pregnancy than her 30-year-old father. FML

by InfamousLastWord / 03/27/2013 at 3:34pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I finally had the best sex I've ever had with this really hot guy I've been hanging out with lately. I thought everything was all well and good until he turned to me and said, "You know, your orgasm face kinda reminds me of Steve Martin, but in a good way." FML

by LadySteveMartin / 04/01/2013 at 8:18pm / United States (Rhode Island) / Intimacy

Today, I finished installing remote access CCTV cameras around my house due to the high rate of burglaries around my neighborhood. I turn it on to see my teenage son rubbing one out on the couch. FML

by couch_potato / 03/28/2013 at 3:53am / Intimacy

Today, I felt frisky, so I went over to my boyfriend's place, hoping to have some fun. I brought over a movie, and part-way through it, I started feeling him up. He responded by sighing, "That's really fucking annoying, babe. Cut it out, yeah?" FML

by sarajj / 03/29/2013 at 5:36pm / United States (Colorado) / Love

Today, I was freshening up my makeup in the car before a date. An old lady walked by and said through my open window, "Don't bother. There's no helping you, honey." FML

by f-ugly / 03/25/2013 at 2:36pm / United States / Love