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August 2016

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Today, I got mugged. I almost felt sorry for him: he got a $15 cell phone, a frozen debit card, a credit card with only $50 of credit left on it, and no cash. FML

by pooraf / 08/04/2016 at 10:42am / United States (Illinois) / Money

Today, my untrained legs have been traumatised by the sudden regime of squats, mountain climbers and lunges I have been putting them through. I literally just have to trust-fall back onto the toilet and hope for the best, because my legs don't have the strength to support the gradual descent. FML

by SkipLegDay / 08/03/2016 at 4:48am / New Zealand (Wellington) / Health

Today, I went on a date. Met the guy at the restaurant, everything seemed to be going OK, but then he spent the entire dinner talking about Pokemon GO, and wouldn't let me say a word. He suddenly stops talking, gets up, says he, "doesn't feel a connection" and leaves. I had to pay the bill. FML

by ZombiKilla / 08/15/2016 at 10:46pm / United States (Alabama) / Love

Today, someone drove into my car at an intersection and drove off. Luckily, I got the car's registration plate and called the cops on them. Turns out, it was my boyfriend's brother's girlfriend, who was illegally driving without a license. Now everyone's mad at me for getting her in trouble. FML

by Innocent / 08/18/2016 at 7:03pm / New Zealand / Transportation

Today, on the bus ride home from work, two women behind me kept pulling my hair. I turned around and told them to, "cut it out." When I got home, I realized they'd took it literally. FML

by TheodoreFinches / 08/01/2016 at 11:14am / United Kingdom / Transportation

Today, my husband and I were talking about how we missed our sexting from when we were dating, so later I took a bath and texted him while he was relaxing in bed. His response ? "I'm tired and hurry up I need to poop." FML

by BatBee / 08/02/2016 at 10:29pm / United States (West Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, my father went missing. Naturally worried, we searched his workplace, hospitals, and other locations. Ends up he got arrested for driving around town drunk out of his mind. Oh, and it's my birthday. Thanks for throwing me a great (search) party, dad. FML

by shikushiku / 08/02/2016 at 11:12pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I have a huge crush on my best friend who views me as his little sister. My coworker found out and has since been making incest jokes. FML

Today, I thought I'd spice things up by kissing my husband on the lips and then working my way down. But about halfway, I got some of his chest hairs lodged in my throat and started gagging. To avoid ruining the mood, I kept going, silently gagging, until we finished. I swallowed the hair. FML

by so unsexy / 08/04/2016 at 5:32pm / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

Today, I had to hide some Oreos inside my bra to motivate my husband to get close to me. FML

by . / 08/05/2016 at 12:57pm / Germany (Rheinland-Pfalz) / Intimacy

Today, my best friend asked if car oil could be used as a substitute for lube. I need new friends. FML

Today, I found out that my new roommate likes to put candy on the floor, let ants crawl all over it, and eats it. Ants and all. FML

by Funyearahead / 08/08/2016 at 8:44am / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, all of my friends bailed from the birthday party I was throwing myself. This was also after they had encouraged me for months to have one, knowing I'd never had my birthday celebrated before. FML

by Its My BDay I Can Cry If I Want To / 08/10/2016 at 12:51pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous