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April 2015

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, my dad woke me up at 5am saying that there was dog shit on the carpet. I thought it was just a clever ruse to get me into the living room for a birthday surprise. It wasn't. There really was dog shit that I had to clean up, with no "Happy birthday"s even uttered. FML

#21397338
81 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27981) - you deserved it (2329)

On 04/21/2015 at 8:51am - animals - by 21ShitCleaner - United States (California)

Today, while driving, I saw a car pull over with its hazard lights on. I went to see if they needed help, only to see the guy was jerking off to something on his phone. FML

#21398963
70 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17171) - you deserved it (1852)

On 04/24/2015 at 11:07am - intimacy - by someoneneedsassistance - United States (Virginia)

Today, my nurse girlfriend told me she's more attracted to the veins in my arm than any other part of me. FML

#21397356
108 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25170) - you deserved it (2994)

On 04/21/2015 at 9:48am - love - by veiny - United States (Tennessee)

Today, my son invited me to his first standup comedy gig. I accepted, only to later suffer through an hour of the worst jokes I've heard in my entire life. It was so bad, he made Dane Cook look like a comic genius, and I had to resist heckling him. Hours later, I still feel vaguely suicidal. FML

#21392908
114 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25957) - you deserved it (5070)

On 04/13/2015 at 11:23am - kids - by Anonymous (man) - United Kingdom (Manchester)

Today, I went to a job interview. It would have been fine if I had remembered it was over the phone, and not in person. I drove two hours. FML

Today, I was walking in the shoes I'm going to wear for a wedding and fell, spraining my ankle. I'm the Matron of Honor and I can barely walk. The wedding is in three days. FML

Today, at work as a bank teller, an angry customer complained that the payments on his two credit cards had been messed up the previous month, with the wrong amount being credited to each account. I asked if he knew who'd helped him. He said, "Well, it wasn't you - she was younger and prettier!" FML

#21398349
38 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22638) - you deserved it (1823)

On 04/23/2015 at 5:04am - work - by Old and Ugly (woman) - United States

Today, I saw a lady with a stroller in the park. She stopped at the water fountain and got a drink, then left without her baby. I ran to the stroller and started rolling it after her. Two grown men attacked me, accusing me of trying to steal said baby. Turns out it was a baby doll. FML

#21397871
75 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25462) - you deserved it (1977)

On 04/22/2015 at 9:31am - kids - by ireallylikecats - United States

Today, I learned that, when you ask your girlfriend "Do you think we're having sex too often?" she might interpret it as, "I don't think we should have sex ever again," and entirely stop talking to you. FML

#21398912
79 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14624) - you deserved it (6295)

On 04/24/2015 at 7:38am - intimacy - by Sexless from Texas - United States (Texas)

Today, I had to explain to my 23-year-old female friend that when I get my hysterectomy, I will still be able to poop. FML

#21398063
41 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20424) - you deserved it (1632)

On 04/22/2015 at 5:46pm - health - by biomajor99 - United States (New York)

Today, I found out that the only reason my parents have been letting me hang out with my friends so late is so they can search my room for drugs. FML

#21395867
82 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27266) - you deserved it (2962)

On 04/18/2015 at 7:55pm - misc - by Armstrong (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, I pulled up to a red light. My ex was in the next car, and my car's windows are so tinted that you can't see through them, so I flipped him off. I was driving my mom's car. FML

#21396485
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (12957) - you deserved it (25240)

On 04/19/2015 at 9:39pm - love - by queenbitch - United States (Michigan)

Today, teachers were pulling students out of class to announce valedictorian, salutatorian, and other awards for graduation. I got pulled out of class by one of them, and I got a little excited since I wasn't expecting an award. It was to tell me that my sister was staying after school. FML



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