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May 2016

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Today, I asked a girl at the restaurant I work at if she'd had enough to eat. When she said yes, I said, "Are you sure?" I didn't realize how insulting it sounded until her equally overweight mom was up in my face, demanding to see my manager. FML

by hadrienne's pall / 05/13/2016 at 3:25pm / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, I got my tonsils removed. My body also agreed that today was a good day to get a bad cough. My bed currently looks like a scene out of "Dexter". FML

by MissAnonymous93 / 05/14/2016 at 11:32am / South Africa / Health

Today, I paid 60 dollars for my senior yearbook. They forgot to put me in it. FML

by N / 05/20/2016 at 4:22pm / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, I took my binder on a short road trip two hours away from my home, so that I could study for my upcoming finals. When I got home, I realized I that had left my binder all the way there, containing my notes, classwork, homework, finals notes, etc. FML

by Anonymous / 05/12/2016 at 11:46pm / United States (Idaho) / Work

Today, I found out it's possible to dislocate your jaw just by yawning. Now I'm in the ER, looking like a total psycho. FML

by Anonymous / 05/15/2016 at 5:10pm / United States (Michigan) / Health

Today, my obnoxious roommate who always blasts crappy music day in and day out as loud as he can has reached an all time low. He has now started blasting Christmas music. It's May. FML

by LucyLollipop / 05/16/2016 at 3:16pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I left the windows open because I live in Florida without air conditioning because the asshole landlord won't fix it. There was nice cool air from the rain. I've killed about 100 flying ants that have made their way inside. Now I have a hot house with closed windows and flying ants. FML

by Ants everywhere but my pants / 05/18/2016 at 10:35pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I gave my cat a little kiss on the head. Just as I was about to tell him I love him, he sneezed directly into my face. It's been two hours and I still can't get the taste of cat snot out of my mouth. I probably need to get a life. FML

by Anonymous / 05/15/2016 at 8:25pm / United States (California) / Animals

Today my coworker, who I'm secretly in love with, asked me what my plans for the weekend were. I thought she might have been about to ask me out, so I said that I had no plans. She then rolled her eyes and said that she hates talking to, "boring people who shut down every conversation starter." FML

by Anonymous / 05/25/2016 at 3:53am / Australia (New South Wales) / Love

Today, I told my cousin it would be okay if he stayed the weekend after a fight with his wife. He didn't tell me he was bringing his 4 kids. They've watched funny cat videos for hours and they laugh like maniacs. FML

by kids are meh / 05/16/2016 at 5:47pm / United States (Louisiana) / Kids

Today, I decided to have a hot cup of coffee. Then I stumbled on a chair and somehow spilled the hot liquid on my privates. The searing pain worked better to wake me up than the coffee itself. FML

by mumblingdope / 05/25/2016 at 4:52am / Indonesia (Jakarta Raya) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that my "girlfriend" is only with me for free transportation. She even has my contact saved as the car emoji. FML

by Anonymous / 05/19/2016 at 9:48am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Love

Today, I found out that my mother intentionally donated the quilt that I had made for her, because, "It didn't match anything". That was $70 worth of fabric and 7 and a half weeks spent on that handiwork of mine. FML

by sewdevastated / 05/17/2016 at 10:02pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous