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March 2014

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Today, while searching a woman for contraband as part of my job, she kept making sexual noises throughout. After I finished, she hugged me and went on her way. I really need a new job. FML

by ohdear. / 03/29/2014 at 7:07pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Work

Today, I decided it was time to tell my daughter that she had been adopted. Not only had she known for 5 years, she found out from my drunk sister. FML

by adopted / 03/03/2014 at 10:55am / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, my mother asked me why her new airsoft gun wasn't working. I explained to her that it doesn't actually shoot air, it requires pellets too. She looked at me like I was too stupid to be her son. FML

by Drizztreri / 03/04/2014 at 7:09pm / United States (Missouri) / Kids

Today, the guy I've been dating told me with a wink that before he'll go on any more dates, he'd require me to take a series of "oral exams" to prove I'm right for him. I think he actually expected that to work. NEXT. FML

by Anonymous / 03/22/2014 at 6:01pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, my brother tried to pay me to teach him how to French-kiss, so he wouldn't screw up on his first date. I'm shocked that the weirdo managed to get a date in the first place. FML

by doesn't fuck on the first, thank god / 03/23/2014 at 4:25pm / United Kingdom (Southend-on-Sea) / Love

Today, I got my first massage. At the end, the masseuse made a gesture indicating which way the exit was. After having had her hands all over my body for the past hour, I thought the gesture was indicative of a goodbye hug. Things got awkward really fast. FML

by AlwaysAwkward / 03/02/2014 at 9:30pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was babysitting my nephew and we decided to color together. He drew a picture of someone who looked dead, almost zombie-like, while everyone else looked pretty normal. When I asked who it was, he said in a serious, scary voice, "It's you." FML

by BondingTime / 03/17/2014 at 5:51am / United States (Minnesota) / Kids

Today, I was excited to see a spider skittering across my bathroom floor, because this one was real and not a hallucination. FML

Today, my mum begged me to let her put fake nails on me to practice for her styling exam. I've been sitting on the toilet for the past half an hour trying to figure out how to wipe without damaging something. FML

by Mojo0608 / 03/05/2014 at 11:11am / United Kingdom (Richmond upon Thames) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I tried to get out of my boyfriend's car in an angered exit because he got a text from the woman he's been cheating on me with. I ended up tripping on my purse, falling out of the car and face-planting onto the sidewalk. FML

by Bishy123 / 03/26/2014 at 3:50am / United States (Washington) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, we had a surprise party for my boss. Someone turned out all the lights. I was so scared of the dark, the first thing my boss saw when he walked in was all my co-workers watching me scream, "TURN IT ON!" FML

by Anonymous / 03/11/2014 at 11:47am / United States (Georgia) / Work

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to mess around at my workplace's parking lot. Things got hot and steamy, but in the middle of it all, there came a bang at my car window. My frantic boss had seen us and thought I was being attacked. FML

by unknown / 03/07/2014 at 7:53pm / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, my sister brought me coffee to my office. It was really nice so I made a status about it on Facebook. My boyfriend texted me soon after, freaking out because I never put anything on Facebook about him and how great he is. I'm basically dating a 14-year-old girl. FML

by Anonymous / 03/11/2014 at 6:27pm / United States (Michigan) / Love