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March 2014

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, I was watching last week's episode of The Walking Dead with my girlfriend. When the gang leader explained the rules of the group to Daryl, I reached over, grabbed my girlfriend's boobs and yelled, "Claimed!" She shot back, "Yeah, they are. But not by you." FML

#21099560
89 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41311) - you deserved it (17789)

On 03/29/2014 at 5:57pm - love - by the other guy? (man) - Australia (Western Australia)

Today, at my job as a bouncer at a music venue, a guy got his nose broken in a rowdy mosh pit. When I went to help him up and see if he was okay, he said, "It was an accident, please don't kick me out," but the word "please" came out as a hot spray of his blood across my face. FML

#21095237
50 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36993) - you deserved it (3085)

On 03/24/2014 at 2:53pm - work - by bloodyhell - United States (Colorado)

Today, someone on Instagram posted a picture of himself with gym lifting straps around his neck. I commented "autoerotic asphyxiation" and now a 250-pound bodybuilder wants to kill me. FML

#21097153
99 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21429) - you deserved it (35805)

On 03/26/2014 at 6:39pm - health - by athletiks (man) - United States (Washington)

Today, no matter how many toys and teddies she has, and no matter how much I punish her, I am most likely never going to be able to break my 10-week-old puppy's habit of stealing my underwear. She doesn't eat them or even chew on them. She steals them to sleep with. FML

#21096727
199 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37575) - you deserved it (5049)

On 03/26/2014 at 4:45am - animals - by Punphmelch (woman) - Australia (South Australia)

Today, as I walked out the door to head to class, my neighbour's kid threw a balloon at me, filled with some kind of foul-smelling liquid that he calls "liquid ass". I had a presentation 20 minutes later and couldn't get the smell off myself in time. FML

#21100982
68 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36435) - you deserved it (2654)

On 03/31/2014 at 1:15pm - kids - by Anonymous (man) - Japan (Hyogo)

Today, after nearly a month, I found out my wife isn't pregnant after all. She was just screwing around to win a bet with her friends on how long it'd take me to figure out the truth. FML

#21077978
108 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47642) - you deserved it (4430)

On 03/04/2014 at 4:06pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - Norway (Akershus)

Today, after waking up, I walk into the kitchen to see my two-year-old with a blue sharpie in hand as he says, "Look mom, color!" He left no appliance or cabinet untouched in his coloring masterpiece, and I'm still trying to figure out where he got the sharpie from. FML

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. I was sad, but the only thing my mom could say was, "You should have waited until I got him to mow the lawn." FML

#21083870
88 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38943) - you deserved it (5775)

On 03/11/2014 at 9:04am - love - by Anonymous (woman) - Israel

Today, my mom came into my room, yelling at me about a pregnancy test that she found in my bathroom. My mom wouldn't believe me when I said it wasn't mine. Turns out my sister bought the test, threw it under my bathroom cabinet, and now she won't admit to the prank. She thinks this is hilarious. FML

#21078463
79 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42369) - you deserved it (3263)

On 03/05/2014 at 12:43am - misc - by anonymous - United States (Texas)

Today, my mum begged me to let her put fake nails on me to practice for her styling exam. I've been sitting on the toilet for the past half an hour trying to figure out how to wipe without damaging something. FML

Today, I had to calm my rather gullible boyfriend down and reassure him that the email he got, telling him that he has AIDS, was just a scam. FML

#21098742
79 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36120) - you deserved it (3955)

On 03/28/2014 at 6:05pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United Kingdom (Essex)

Today, I marched in the St. Patrick's day parade. My horn has an inconveniently-placed spit valve that has to be drained frequently. At the end, I discovered every time I emptied it, it would spray all over the front of my pants. I marched an entire parade looking like I pissed my pants. FML

#21089223
76 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33694) - you deserved it (4928)

On 03/17/2014 at 5:48pm - misc - by Bandking (man) - United States (Ohio)

Today, my sister brought me coffee to my office. It was really nice so I made a status about it on Facebook. My boyfriend texted me soon after, freaking out because I never put anything on Facebook about him and how great he is. I'm basically dating a 14-year-old girl. FML

#21084209
92 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39320) - you deserved it (6543)

On 03/11/2014 at 6:27pm - love - by Anonymous - United States (Michigan)



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