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March 2014

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, after finishing an essay at the library, I fell asleep and had a dream about the essay crawling out through my laptop screen and trying to kill me. I woke by the librarian shaking me and telling me to stop screaming. I was mortified. FML

#21091737
65 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38192) - you deserved it (4315)

On 03/20/2014 at 12:48pm - work - by systematicpanic (woman) - United Kingdom (Leicester)

Today, my drunken self became a vaguely racist poet. I am now the author of a four-page poem entitled "Chocolate Men". FML

#21094789
76 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30255) - you deserved it (16191)

On 03/23/2014 at 11:40pm - misc - by chocochoco - United States (New York)

Today, I locked myself out and had to enter my house via the back door. Thinking I was an intruder, my 7-year-old daughter slammed a metal rake into the back of my head. Nice to know she can take care of herself. FML

#21087156
137 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45926) - you deserved it (8636)

On 03/15/2014 at 8:21am - kids - by emergencyroom (man) - United States (Maryland)

Today, I woke up, ate breakfast, and left my dorm room, only to see about half a dozen people and my roommate shuffling around in the hall. Their zombie outfits and limping were so realistic that I freaked out and ran back inside, screaming. They think it was the greatest prank ever. FML

#21093670
91 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38395) - you deserved it (10047)

On 03/22/2014 at 5:08pm - misc - by campus pussy (man) - United States (California)

Today, my students presented their projects on genetics to the rest of the class. One student told the class that salted and unsalted peanuts were an example of genetic variation. She was serious. FML

#21076929
124 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41475) - you deserved it (4477)

On 03/03/2014 at 2:58pm - work - by Biologyfacepalm (woman) - United States

Today, my Game of Thrones addicted girlfriend decided to name my penis Tyrion Lannister. FML

#21101155
110 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41454) - you deserved it (6808)

On 03/31/2014 at 5:03pm - intimacy - by off to the whorehouse, then (man) - United Kingdom (Brighton and Hove)

Today, on my way to Burger King I got into a heated discussion with my wife about our cats. We have 15 rescues, and I've reached my limit. Guess what came running up to my car while waiting in the drive-through. We named him Pickles. FML

#21091449
178 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43319) - you deserved it (9394)

On 03/20/2014 at 12:31am - animals - by cat whisperer - United States

Today, my roommate pranked me by putting blue food coloring in the shower head. I have class in 20 minutes and look like a smurf. FML

#21076785
88 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39050) - you deserved it (3653)

On 03/03/2014 at 11:30am - misc - by Anonymous -

Today, I spent my first night at my boyfriend's place, and my first night sleeping beside him. I woke up in the early hours to him holding me and muttering in his sleep something like "surprise fisting". I'm beyond terrified. FML

#21078055
89 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49601) - you deserved it (6060)

On 03/04/2014 at 5:41pm - intimacy - by cockfist (woman) - United Kingdom (Glasgow City)

Today, a tiny worm was wriggling across the screen of my Mac laptop. I tried to wipe it away with my thumb, but it just kept crawling. Turns out the worm lives *inside* my screen, beneath the glass. FML

#21092367
120 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41895) - you deserved it (4248)

On 03/21/2014 at 1:14am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Arizona)

Today, I found out what it feels like to be slapped in the face with a potted cactus. FML

#21088237
104 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41827) - you deserved it (5754)

On 03/16/2014 at 3:28pm - health - by thanksdad (man) - Ireland (Dublin)

Today, my dad decided to shave his beard. I told him I wanted him to keep it, so he took the shavings, put them in a jar, and left it in my room. FML

#21093737
85 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34505) - you deserved it (11936)

On 03/22/2014 at 7:07pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (California)



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  • Everybody's talking about Ebola at the moment. I have trouble keeping up with the latest trends. I'm going to wait until Christmas and see what special offers turn up in the shops, under funky new names…

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