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November 2013

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Today, in my second year at university, I took a pregnancy test. It is the only test I've passed all month. FML

by Anonymous / 11/21/2013 at 7:18pm / United States (Minnesota) / Love

Today, my boyfriend of three years sent me a text message saying "It's over!". I sent him maybe a thousand texts saying "Why?", "What do you mean?!" After an hour of crying and whatnot, I realized he had driver's education today and that he was saying the class was over. FML

by Anonymous / 11/16/2013 at 5:06am / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, I got a call from my husband asking me to bail him out from jail. He was arrested after being caught having sex with a waitress in a restaurant bathroom. FML

by f / 11/09/2013 at 6:30pm / United States (North Carolina) / Intimacy

Today, I had to have a talk with my stalker. After telling him not to snapchat me, not to text me, and that I'm not interested, all he said was "I think persistence is going to be key here." FML

by AshleyRose24 / 11/23/2013 at 3:02am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got pulled over on the highway for going over the speed limit. The cop seemed nice, and I was sure he'd let me off with a warning, until my husband piped up with, "Didn't think you folks came out this far. What, the donut store got shut down or some shit?" I got the ticket. FML

by yulis / 11/30/2013 at 2:21pm / United States (Maryland) / Money

Today, my boyfriend announced to me he was sleeping with another girl via alphabet soup. FML

by fries / 11/24/2013 at 11:01am / United States (New York) / Love

Today, I was rubbing one out in the shower. I guess I got a little too excited, because as I came close to climaxing, I had a serious asthma attack and had to wheeze for help. FML

by Anonymous / 11/29/2013 at 7:17pm / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy

Today, I woke up to something tickling me. Thinking it was my cat, I reached under the covers to give her a friendly scratch behind the ears. I imagine the giant spider that was actually there enjoyed my terrified screams. FML

by thatsnotacat / 11/21/2013 at 12:52pm / Australia (Queensland) / Animals

Today, I've been awake for nearly three days due to homework and my mom's wedding preparations, so I took some adderall to keep me awake at school. I took too much, totally zoned out in class, became hopelessly fascinated by my own hand, and was accused of doing drugs. FML

by Anonymous / 11/08/2013 at 12:43pm / United States (Nebraska) / Health

Today, my father took revenge on me for bankrupting him in a game of Monopoly. His revenge consisted of having a truckload of sand dumped in my driveway while I was at work. FML

by Anonymous / 11/22/2013 at 3:51pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was watching some episodes of The Walking Dead with my boyfriend, after recently introducing him to the series. A scene involving Carl came on, and my boyfriend said, "God damn. You ever give me a kid that annoying, I'll shoot both of ya right in the head." FML

by kel / 11/08/2013 at 6:50pm / United Kingdom (Coventry) / Love

Today, while taking an order over the phone for the customer at work, I began to hear slight moans. The moans gradually became faster and louder, until climax was achieved and I realized I was being used for phone sex. FML

by long day / 11/12/2013 at 3:29pm / United States (Michigan) / Work

Today, my cat has figured out that while I'm good at sleeping through her nagging in the early morning hours, I will unfailingly wake up for my baby. FML

by kittyboo_is_me / 11/19/2013 at 1:59am / Slovenia (Maribor) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.