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November 2013

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Today, my boss claimed that I've been lying to get days off because apparently nobody can be so unlucky as to have three family members die within a month. I am just that unlucky, and suspended. FML

by unemployed and bereaved / 11/25/2013 at 12:03am / United Kingdom / Work

Today, I had planned to break up with my overbearing girlfriend. She went into complete denial mode, bought me a pair of oversized sunglasses and tomorrow we're going ice-skating. Kill me now. FML

by Trapped. / 11/05/2013 at 9:53pm / United States (Michigan) / Love

Today, after having my sinuses draining for a couple days, my ma stopped by for a surprise visit. Upon discovering the trash can full of used tissues, she called my pastor grandfather to talk to me about the chronic masturbation problem I don't have, but that everyone now thinks I have. FML

by Thors_Hammer9999 / 11/23/2013 at 1:05am / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, while I was in a bathroom stall, the guy next to me asked me for toilet paper. It was then that I realized I didn't have any either. FML

by CallmeEddie / 11/14/2013 at 11:44am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized that no matter what I accomplish in life, I'll always be remembered for being the son of a woman so stupid that she claimed she used to be Elvis Presley's mistress. She was still an infant when he died. FML

by fs / 11/23/2013 at 6:45pm / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom baked a cake for the whole family. One spent EpiPen later, I found out there were nuts in it, which I'm severely allergic to. My mom's defense was that she thought I'd have "gotten over" my allergy by now. FML

by Anonymous / 11/16/2013 at 4:40pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Health

Today, I was quietly admiring my boyfriend from outside the kitchen as he made us dinner, only to witness him drop a load of spaghetti on the floor, swear, then scoop it all up and place it back on the plate. FML

by Anonymous / 11/24/2013 at 1:31pm / France / Health

Today, the day before I'm supposed to leave for a long-anticipated trip to Europe, my mother admitted that she's never paid for it. She only told me she did so I would stop hinting that I wanted to go. I gave up Christmas for this trip. FML

by MyUsernameIsBest / 11/12/2013 at 12:45am / United States (California) / Money

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, with my name sounding vaguely like 'Turkey' and being in the phonebook for business purposes, people keep calling, offering to stuff me for Thanksgiving. FML

by NotTellingYouMyName / 11/28/2013 at 1:26am / United States (New York) / Animals

Today, my boyfriend's ex moved into the apartment beneath us. She's already called the cops on us for a noise complaint twice. We were sleeping. It's going to be a long year. FML

by Anonymous / 11/12/2013 at 2:12pm / Canada / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out my best friend made a program to reply to my text messages with random sentences from a list. It took 15 minutes of texting before I finally noticed. FML

by Anonymous / 11/15/2013 at 8:15pm / India (Gujarat) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized I need to start hitting the gym, when my boyfriend actually utilized my love handles during sex. FML

Today, I was taken to the principal's office and bitched out about the dangerous weapon I brought to school. The "weapon" was a pocket fan. FML

by Anonymous / 11/22/2013 at 4:57pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Miscellaneous