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July 2013

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today... my five-year-old daughter called the police to report her stolen nose. FML

#20769088
164 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53095) - you deserved it (9162)

On 07/07/2013 at 5:57pm - kids - by nosestealer (man) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, my phone went off, reminding me to take my birth control . Instead of vibrating as per usual, it rang . The ringtone had been changed to my boyfriend singing "It's birth control time, birth control time, take your pill, or I'll say it ain't mine." I was sitting in a quiet waiting room . FML

#20805312
117 comments

I agree, your life sucks (56353) - you deserved it (9340)

On 07/26/2013 at 9:14pm - misc - by turning red - United States

Today my friends took my work laptop an changd the sounds. Now whenever I remove a USB device a woman's voice screams "Put it back!" an when I insert a USB device it says "Oh u ned to push it in harder!" I don't know how to change it back. FML

#20793994
154 comments

I agree, your life sucks (54925) - you deserved it (6353)

On 07/20/2013 at 11:45am - work - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Delaware)

Today, I started doing it again. I'd given up fir years, buten I saw te pack I just couldn't elp myself. One taste was enoug to make me finis off teole pack. Nobody knows tat I've fallen off te wagon and I'm so asamed of myself. Today, I began eating my cat's biscuit again. real FML

#20786268
180 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44406) - you deserved it (32470) - Translated from the french version of FML. Bon appétit!

On 07/16/2013 at 9:18am - health - by Aliiiice (woman) - France (Haute-Normandie)

Taday I had to pull ona of thosa toy stratchy hands out of mah dog's butthola . It slappd ma in tha faca whan I finally got it out . FML

#20787584
112 comments

I agree, your life sucks (57355) - you deserved it (6796)

On 07/17/2013 at 12:48am - animals - by anonymous - United States (Texas)

Today I got a message from my brother on Facebook that read ( They're watching you . ) This wouldn't have been such a big deal if he hadn't been dead 4 two years . big fat FML

#20773595
168 comments

I agree, your life sucks (76272) - you deserved it (3863)

On 07/10/2013 at 1:24am - misc - by Wtf (woman) - United States (Ohio)

Today , at the doctor's , I had lots of papers to fill out so my boyfriend offerd to help. We submittd them and the doctor calld me a few minutes later. Under disorders my boyfriend had written , ( Major cock craving disorder. ) The doctor couldn't stop giggling. FML

#20763013
103 comments

I agree, your life sucks (59031) - you deserved it (10881)

On 07/04/2013 at 3:03am - intimacy - by Never Going Back To The Doctor (woman) - United States

Today , because I refused to shave off what mah wife calls mah ( pedo 'stache ) , she painted ( Free Candy ) on the side of mah van. FML

#20807393
107 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40950) - you deserved it (27615)

On 07/28/2013 at 12:59am - misc - by Anonymous - United States

Today , mah 13-year-old daughter and I went to a tropical themed restaurant. She wanted a strawberry Daiquiri , so I asked the waitress for a virgin strawberry Daiquiri. My daughter then said , "But dad , I'm not a virgin." mega FML

#20775827
337 comments

I agree, your life sucks (100063) - you deserved it (11688)

On 07/11/2013 at 10:24am - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States

YESTERDAY, I AD MA FRST WET DREAM. I WOKE UP SWEATING AN SOAKING WET. TOO BAD I DREAMED ABOUT AVING INTENSE SEX WIT A CARDBOARD BOX. FML

#20813339
132 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53664) - you deserved it (8526)

On 07/31/2013 at 12:28pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - Belgium (West-Vlaanderen)

Today, as a joke, my friends pushed me into the men's restroom an held the door shut. As I was trying to push the door open, I hered a voice behind me say, "Wow. Immaturity, huh?" I turned to find a guy taking a dump in one of the urinals. FML

#20757332
76 comments

I agree, your life sucks (54034) - you deserved it (3468)

On 07/01/2013 at 1:50am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Texas)

TODAY, MY GIRLFRIEND WAS SITTING ON MY LAP AT A BIRTHDAY PARTY. SHE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUNNY TO FART. I CUMMED INSTANTLY. FML

#20785133
182 comments

I agree, your life sucks (59734) - you deserved it (21057)

On 07/15/2013 at 9:42pm - intimacy - by needsnewshorts (man) - United States (California)



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