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May 2013

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Today, my mum made me take her poodle on a walk, which she'd dressed in a tiara and a pink dog dress. Being a 19-year-old guy, I was pissed. After I got home, I saw that my mom had filmed me from the window and posted it to Facebook, to everyone's great delight. FML

by Anonymous / 05/30/2013 at 4:25pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Animals

Today, I found shit on my windshield. I'm not sure if it is human or animal, but it was conveniently smeared all over and even more was placed under my wipers just in case I used them to clean it up. This isn't the first time, and I have no idea who I could have pissed off. FML

by windshitwipers / 05/30/2013 at 5:41am / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, in the middle of our one year anniversary dinner, my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend showed up declaring her love for him. They left together and I had to take the bus home. FML

by anonymoose / 05/29/2013 at 8:39pm / Australia (South Australia) / Love

Today, I woke up without my fiancé in bed next to me, but I assumed he'd gone to work early. I went on Facebook to find that he had posted a break-up post to himself from my account and set my status to single. I then found a note with "Sorry" written on it stuck to the kitchen counter. FML

by Anonymous / 05/14/2013 at 6:41pm / Love

Today, I was forced to work with someone I absolutely hate. I then found myself starting to like him, until he shot me in the forehead with a stapler gun. FML

by annoyedgirl / 05/03/2013 at 9:30pm / United States (Washington) / Work

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate in the backseat of his car, when a police car pulled up behind us. My mom later told me that intimacy was fine, just not in a car. We were in the car because she told me that intimacy was fine, just not in her house. FML

by backseatbusted / 05/21/2013 at 12:09pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, while driving my grandma home from a family dinner, I had to pull into a gas station, because my tank was almost empty. She became convinced that someone would kidnap her while I went to pay, and eventually threatened to blow us up by tossing her lighter at the gas pumps. FML

by fuckingjesusgran / 05/07/2013 at 6:13pm / Bosnia and Herzegovina (Federation of Bosnia and Herzego) / Transportation

Today, I tried to "trip" and fall into this guy I've had a crush on. I missed and fell on my face. He stepped over me and kept walking. FML

by clumsy / 05/06/2013 at 8:45pm / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend forced me to do stretching exercises with him before and after sex as a "safety precaution". FML

by stretchy / 05/06/2013 at 3:58pm / United States (Maryland) / Intimacy

Today, my 55 year-old mother faked a pregnancy because she was jealous of all the attention I've been getting since I had my twin boys. FML

by for the love of god / 05/14/2013 at 5:35pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I got on the subway with a broken leg. A kind woman stood up and offered me her seat. Before I could sit down, a guy shoved past me and took it for himself. The woman and I pointed out my cast and crutches, and asked him to give up the seat. He responded by flipping us off. FML

by a hex upon your anus, sir / 05/25/2013 at 12:14pm / United Kingdom / Transportation

Today, I was dancing in the passenger seat of my car with my family when a cop pulled us over. He thought I was trying to flag him down for help. I guess I'm not as good of a dancer as I thought. FML

by ktorih137 / 05/14/2013 at 7:32am / Canada (Nova Scotia) / Transportation

Today, I agreed to help out my 4-year crush with his senior prank which is to pretend we are dating for 1 day to freak everyone out. Glad to know dating me is prank worthy. FML

by turdtonomor9 / 05/12/2013 at 10:08am / United States / Love