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May 2013

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, my sister texted me, saying she was about to go into surgery. It's been a long time coming, and we've both been worried about what could happen. I texted "good luck" back. My phone autocorrected it to "goodbye" and I didn't even notice. FML

#20636856
69 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53431) - you deserved it (7502)

On 05/02/2013 at 12:49pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States

Today, I was getting ready, when I heard my dad in the shower. He was singing along to the song "The Wheel in the Sky" by Journey. Except he'd changed the lyrics and was singing, "The dick on this guy needs a rubbin'." It turns out my mom was in the shower with him. FML

#20634724
95 comments

I agree, your life sucks (61626) - you deserved it (4978)

On 05/01/2013 at 12:13pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States

Today, our cat died. My five-year-old tried to flush him down the toilet. FML

Today, while on an escalator, instead of just telling me my underwear label was hanging out of my jeans, a woman behind me decided to tuck the label in herself. You should never have to feel a stranger's finger on your butt crack. FML

#20666690
113 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50434) - you deserved it (4874)

On 05/16/2013 at 6:24am - misc - by violatedbuttcrack - Australia (New South Wales)

Today, I had to make a poster for social studies. I decided to write "Nice ass" in hieroglyphics. Turns out my teacher can read hieroglyphics. FML

#20691781
70 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22580) - you deserved it (46855)

On 05/28/2013 at 7:42pm - work - by Amber - United States (California)

Today, my wife gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She's perfect in every way, except for her birth mark. It's under the corner of her left eye and looks almost exactly like a prison teardrop tattoo. FML

#20673142
196 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49840) - you deserved it (6995)

On 05/19/2013 at 2:33pm - kids - by Anonymous (man) - Canada (Alberta)

Today, I accidentally hit a cyclist with my car. In panic, I jumped out of my car and ran up to him, who was lying on the floor, motionless. As I was about to check his pulse, he jumped up and shouted, "I bet you thought I was dead, asshole!" He then punched me in the face and cycled off. FML

#20688904
115 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50660) - you deserved it (23540)

On 05/27/2013 at 7:19am - misc - by i hit a cyclist (man) - United Kingdom (Nottingham)

Today, my 6-year-old daughter walked into the bathroom where I was grumbling about my weight. Seeing how upset I was, she took my hand and said, "Mom, you're not fat. You just look fat." FML

#20643910
59 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47466) - you deserved it (6333)

On 05/05/2013 at 8:56pm - kids - by me - United States (Texas)

Today, my mother and I got into an argument, and she told me to go to my room. I refused, prompting her to slap the shit out of me. I'm 29, and she was visiting me at my own house. FML

#20654425
100 comments

I agree, your life sucks (57379) - you deserved it (5879)

On 05/10/2013 at 3:28pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Michigan)

Today, I walked in on my son trying to carve a bong out of a watermelon. FML

#20656177
89 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41169) - you deserved it (7142)

On 05/11/2013 at 12:21pm - kids - by What the fuck, son? (man) - Netherlands (Utrecht)

Today, the weather was beautiful, so I decided to go out skating. I guess I took a wrong turn into a bad neighborhood, because I ended up being chased several blocks by a group of jacked-up thugs wielding baseball bats and taunting, "Skate or die, homie!" FML

#20673360
104 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43410) - you deserved it (5868)

On 05/19/2013 at 4:33pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States

Today, whilst driving past a cyclist, I thought it would be funny to make him jump by blasting my horn right behind him and then driving off. I guess he thought it would be funny to catch up with me, yank off my wing-mirror, and hurl it through the open window at my face. FML

Today, while feeding my neighbour's cats, I mistakenly switched up their foods. One has medicated food that causes drowsiness. The healthy cat got knocked out like a log. I panicked, laid him out by the bed, and spilled milk around his head to make it look "natural." I think I'm going to hell. FML

#20697165
67 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30373) - you deserved it (33323)

On 05/31/2013 at 10:59am - animals - by fuckshitcockwaffle (man) - Australia (Victoria)



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