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April 2013

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, my racist, homophobic, generally degenerate grandmother visited. Within 20 minutes, she uttered multiple racial slurs, said Robert Downey Jr. will burn in hell for playing a black man in one of his movies, and yelled that she'd "whip the piss" out of me, after I asked her to leave. FML

#20584991
89 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34396) - you deserved it (5710)

On 04/11/2013 at 1:16pm - misc - by no tea parties here, gran (man) - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My family put a bouquet of balloons outside my room for me to find when I woke up. I walked out of my room, saw the balloons, screamed, and fell down the stairs. FML

#20587655
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38939) - you deserved it (22254)

On 04/13/2013 at 5:21am - misc - by really? - United States

Today, I learned what live maggots in chocolate cake taste like. FML

#20606960
107 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49107) - you deserved it (7021)

On 04/20/2013 at 6:51am - misc - by MaggotMother (woman) - United States

Today, I gave my wife a birthday present. For months she'd been talking about an expensive treadmill that she wanted, so I bought it. Her reaction when she saw it was to yell, "YOU THINK I'M FAT!" and burst into tears. FML

#20597356
34 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46767) - you deserved it (8891)

On 04/16/2013 at 7:23pm - misc - by S. Fancyson - United States

Today, I found a pound of cooked bacon in the dryer. When I asked my roommate about it, he confessed; his excuse was that he wanted to dry up the grease before eating it. FML

Today, I was admitted to the hospital for chronic constipation. I have to share a room with two other girls who are also having bowel problems. We're all on strong laxatives, and there's apparently only one bathroom in this place. FML

#20613283
101 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47178) - you deserved it (3038)

On 04/22/2013 at 3:10pm - health - by shatMyself - United States

Today, I learned two things. First, my girlfriend loves sex. Second, I'm practically the only one she hasn't had sex with in the 2 months we've been dating. FML

#20598610
120 comments

I agree, your life sucks (57917) - you deserved it (5625)

On 04/17/2013 at 2:14am - love - by rawdoglyfe69 - United States (Montana)

Today, I got cut from my track team. My coach told me it was because my sprints were "too fast" for his liking. Huh? FML

#20602567
84 comments

I agree, your life sucks (52513) - you deserved it (3491)

On 04/18/2013 at 4:34pm - misc - by bhnja_ (man) - Philippines (Mandaue)

Today, I was walking my dog. A cute guy stopped me and said, "Wow, you are gorgeous!" I said thanks. He looked at me like I was nuts and said, "Not you, your dog." FML

#20621620
47 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39786) - you deserved it (5362)

On 04/25/2013 at 8:11pm - animals - by emma_waters23 - United States (California)

Today, my parents decided to wake me up on my birthday. They flashed the lights and yanked off my bed sheets. I sleep naked. FML

#20627190
146 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51384) - you deserved it (10582)

On 04/28/2013 at 9:16am - misc - by Beth - United States (North Carolina)

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex; I know that some women are great multitaskers, but I'm guessing it was a bad sign when she started to go over the shopping list. FML

#20585940
60 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45635) - you deserved it (13391)

On 04/12/2013 at 1:05am - intimacy - by Fml (woman) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, after my shift at the hospital ended, I happened to look into a full-length mirror. My new scrubs turned out to be see-through. Instead of my undies, everyone got a good look at my cellulite-ridden ass. Fan-fucking-tastic day to wear a thong. FML

#20583566
88 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36499) - you deserved it (16928)

On 04/10/2013 at 1:41pm - work - by birdiebeth13 - United States (Wisconsin)

Today, I was buying condoms at Walmart. I grabbed the XL size, and the cashier commented, "Ahh, you'll definitely need a smaller size." FML

#20573161
157 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32656) - you deserved it (14105)

On 04/03/2013 at 12:57pm - misc - by nottoosmall - United States



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