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September 2014

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She just grabbed the ring and said in a raspy voice, "My precious..." FML

#21250558
35 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40177) - you deserved it (7682)

On 09/02/2014 at 2:58pm - love - by anonymous - United States (Connecticut)

Today, my girlfriend went shopping at Victoria's Secret with me. While she was in the fitting room, her parents walked by and saw me. They don't approve of the store, so I panicked and told them I was considering becoming a woman. FML

#21255419
88 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38878) - you deserved it (10743)

On 09/09/2014 at 11:16pm - love - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, I got high for the first time. Apparently I called my vet and told him my goldfish was barking. I found out when he called me back later to make sure we were both okay. FML

#21258033
86 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25582) - you deserved it (14729)

On 09/14/2014 at 12:38pm - animals - by Anonymous - Ghana (Greater Accra)

Today, my daughter's teacher called me, very concerned, because my child told the whole class she's not virgin anymore. The word is "vegan", honey. FML

#21253313
120 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37238) - you deserved it (3395)

On 09/06/2014 at 9:57pm - kids - by healthfreak - United States (Georgia)

Today, I asked my girlfriend to talk dirty to me. Her response was to impersonate a saxophone. FML

#21250455
105 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31516) - you deserved it (7401)

On 09/02/2014 at 11:32am - intimacy - by ihatejasonderulo - United Kingdom (Hounslow)

Today, I had to take bus to work, because yesterday my car was hit by a bus. While standing there, I noticed the driver kept looking back at me every now and then. As I went to get off, he looks at me again and says: "Sorry..." FML

#21252700
58 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42280) - you deserved it (2575)

On 09/05/2014 at 10:36pm - work - by crop circle galore - United States

Today, my college did a fire drill, and instructions were given by intercom in English and Spanish. The guy beside me mused: "If they say it in English and Mexican, why not say it in Black too?" That guy is my idiot brother, and he was dead serious. Sometimes I think our parents are related. FML

#21257016
78 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31465) - you deserved it (2552)

On 09/12/2014 at 4:47pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)

Today, my husband asked our tax professional if we could file my profession as "Expert Dream Murderer." I'm a guidance counselor. FML

#21251173
78 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33782) - you deserved it (4500)

On 09/03/2014 at 2:24pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (New York)

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend with a ring from Kay Jewelers. She saw the box, started giggling, whispered, "'Kay", and then started laughing so hard at her joke she had to excuse herself. FML

#21250887
128 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41967) - you deserved it (5189)

On 09/02/2014 at 11:18pm - love - by very punny (man) - United States (Maryland)

Today, someone, and I still can't figure out who, switched my shampoo with mayonnaise. FML

#21249696
105 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37460) - you deserved it (3372)

On 09/01/2014 at 12:59pm - misc - by mayoshampoo - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I complimented a guy on his beard. His response? "Thanks. Wanna sit on it?" FML

Today, I work at a bakery. As I was putting out some cakes with fruit on top of them, a customer asked me how we get the little hairs to stay on the raspberries, and if we glue them on. FML

#21249886
69 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32703) - you deserved it (2775)

On 09/01/2014 at 5:37pm - work - by s0728 - United States (Texas)

Today, some assface hacked my recently deceased friend's Facebook account. The person changed my friend's location to "Hell", then posted a status saying how hot the weather was, and replied "I wish :'(" to someone who'd said my friend was in a better place now. FML

#21257037
129 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37993) - you deserved it (2524)

On 09/12/2014 at 5:11pm - misc - by he's not the one going to hell (man) - Australia



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Thursday 11 September 2014

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