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Today, my boyfriend and I were laying naked in my bed making out. All of a sudden, we hear "pop goes the weasel" outside my house. My boyfriend stops and excitedly says, "ICE CREAM MAN", flips me over, grabs his clothes, and runs out of my room. FML

by soooyeah / 04/30/2009 at 8:15am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy

Today, my maid washed my PS3. Yes, with soap and water. FML

Today, I woke up to my pants off and my vibrator still on. I fell asleep masturbating. FML

by 44haley44 / 07/12/2011 at 1:25pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, I came home to find a sock I previously used to whack off on my bed with googly eyes and a mouth drawn on it with a note that read "Because you can't find a real girl, I made your current one prettier, Love Mom." FML

by Anonymous / 04/02/2009 at 1:13am / United States (Oregon) / Intimacy

Today, I was in the car with my cousin and we saw a family of three. They where all really fat and the lady was holding 2 boxes of pizza. I decided to roll down the window and scream "fatasses" as loud as I could while my cousin drove off. They were going to the same house we were. FML

by lauris1306 / 01/31/2010 at 2:03am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom had my girlfriend and me over. Out of the blue, she pulled out my grandmother's wedding ring and gave it to me saying I can now propose. My girlfriend started screaming and said yes. I have been seeing someone else for 3 months and was going to break up with my girlfriend tomorrow. FML

by MrCanoe / 03/01/2009 at 4:58pm / Canada (Manitoba) / Love

Today, at the dentist, I was getting my teeth cleaned. Looking up at his nose, I saw runny snot dripping onto his lip. I tried to slowly move away. He told me "Stop!" The movement of his lips caused the snot to fall right into my mouth. FML

by Noname / 03/05/2009 at 2:44pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Health

Today, my boyfriend called me and I told him about the AnimeCon I'm attending, and that I wanted to go as Sailor Mars, he told me he had no idea what that was. After being mad for about ten minutes, I realized that I wanted to break up with him over not knowing what Sailor Moon was. FML

by Anonymous / 06/22/2009 at 12:35am / United States (Alabama) / Miscellaneous

Today, my vegetarian housemate cleaned the fridge. He threw away all of the meat in our fridge and made a nice sign stating "Meat is Murder". I was storing roughly $1000 worth of filet mignon steaks and seafood for my sister's wedding. FML

by carnivore / 09/22/2009 at 5:48pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, we got my brother a pet hamster because he has trouble making friends. We thought a hamster would be a good way to teach him about caring for others. I walked into the room and the hamster was hanging from the ceiling. Turns out there's a reason my brother doesn't have friends. FML

by hamsterlovinn / 06/06/2009 at 1:51am / United States (Massachusetts) / Animals

Today, I found out that my new husband is expecting two children: ours, due in January, and our 16-year-old neighbor's, due in March. FML

by Just_Me_88 / 08/18/2012 at 1:09am / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I found out that my son is not really gay. He just told me that so I'd let him have girls in his bedroom. FML

by Pumpkin / 07/17/2009 at 10:00pm / United States (Texas) / Kids

Today, I was proposed to in a McDonald's. FML

by hater / 03/16/2010 at 6:55am / Love