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Today, I went on Facebook to find that my little brother had messed with my profile. He wrote on my status that I'm a piece of shit, I have no life, and several other nasty and perverted things. Underneath, it said 26 of my friends liked this. I'm new to Facebook. So far I have 26 friends. FML

by noname / 03/20/2009 at 4:40pm / United States (New Jersey) / Geek

Today, I heard an electric saw cutting through something outside my condo. I presumed it was a complex maintenance guy working on something. It was a thief using an angle grinder to cut off my bicycle's U-lock. FML

by Anonymous / 04/15/2009 at 2:18pm / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, While I was running around the block I had this urge to spit. Suddenly I noticed this beautiful girl running in front me. Trying to impress her, I smiled and by mistake drooled everything on the pavement. She wasn't impressed. FML

by djteller / 04/24/2009 at 8:13pm / Israel (HaMerkaz) / Love

Today, I noticed that someone smeared "wash me" into the grime of my car. I decided to take it to get a wash. I pulled up, put my vehicle in neutral, and kicked back as it slowly started to move. You never realize how long it takes a sun roof to close until water is dumping on your head. FML

by Anonymous / 05/03/2009 at 7:06am / United States (Oregon) / Transportation

Today, I donated blood for the first time, and all the nurses kept complimenting on how good my veins were. That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me in the past 2 months. FML

by lsta / 05/04/2009 at 12:40am / United States (California) / Health

Today, I went to take a shit and found my boss shaving in the toilet. While in the cubicle, he asked me about my work and the conversation lasted 15 mins. I stayed in there even though I finished shitting after 5 mins, during which 3 people heard my progress report while shitting next to me. FML

by yuen / 06/16/2009 at 10:59am / Australia (Victoria) / Work

Today, I was complaining to my mom about how my sister looked like a barbie doll next to me. I was saying how she was so tan and her hair looked awesome next to mine. She paused for a while and then said "Well you're pretty on the inside." FML

by Dasani / 02/16/2009 at 6:57pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, while I was making out with my boyfriend, he left my dorm suddenly without telling me where he was going. A few hours later, he texted me to tell me that being with me made him feel dirty and he had gone to confession. He then called me a sinner. FML

by not getting any anymore / 02/21/2009 at 10:23pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, an elderly gentleman walked into the UPS Store where I work asking to use the laminating machine. I explained to him that we keep it behind the counter and I would do it for him, when he produced several graphic photos of him having it off with nasty looking women to be laminated. FML

by UhhhUhhhRRRick / 03/05/2009 at 12:14am / United States (Illinois) / Work

Today, I got my eyebrows waxed for the first time in a few months. Once she finished, she handed me the mirror and asked, "How does it feel to look human again?" FML

by bluedevil26 / 03/03/2009 at 11:51am / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was having phone sex with my boyfriend. About halfway through he went really quiet and started breathing heavily. I thought he was about to climax until I discovered he had fallen asleep. FML

by facepalm / 02/27/2009 at 3:39am / Singapore / Intimacy

Today, there was a story called "Looking Good" about fashion in school that ran in the local newspaper. On the front page of that section it featured a picture of my class. I was photoshopped out. FML

by failout / 03/05/2009 at 4:36pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I texted my girlfriend, saying how I hated my job, I felt trapped, and that I was wasting my time working there. A few minutes later, she answered, "That's how I feel about our relationship." FML

by Ineverknew / 03/19/2009 at 12:43pm / United States (Illinois) / Love