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Today, I looked deep into my wife's eyes and told her how much I loved her and how much she meant to me. Her reply was "Clean your glasses." FML

by Anonymous / 12/21/2010 at 12:25pm / United Kingdom / Love

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house and badly needed to pee. Just as I was about to say I had to go to the bathroom, my boyfriend suddenly put his hands around my stomach and picked me up. He hit just the right spot, causing me to empty my bladder then and there. FML

by Anonymous / 12/31/2010 at 2:03pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Health

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when she starts laughing and says "Wow, this is just too funny". FML

by Anonymous / 12/29/2010 at 8:28pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, I was on a plane. When my flight attendant brought me my drink, it had a lid and a straw. He told me, very seriously, "not to spill." No one else got a lid. I'm 18, and apparently I look spill-prone. FML

by thisisme / 01/16/2011 at 8:37pm / Canada (Ontario) / Transportation

Today, I bought something special at Victoria's Secret, then sat in bumper-to-bumper traffic for 2 hours to get to my boyfriend's house. When I got there, he broke up with me. We're 37 years old and he actually gave me the "it's not you, it's me" speech. FML

by singleladynow / 01/20/2011 at 12:04am / United States (Kentucky) / Love

Today, I had to babysit two kids. I told them to stop fighting, or to sit on separate couches. They stopped. I asked why nobody would sit on the other couch, where I'd been sitting. They told me it was the couch their autistic brother often pees on. FML

by joxerthemighty39 / 01/31/2011 at 10:11pm / United States (North Carolina) / Kids

Today, I found out that I have enough driving skills to manage to hit a pothole and have two of my tires go flat. FML

by FlatTire / 02/13/2011 at 12:30am / United States (Colorado) / Transportation

Today, after my two credit cards were stolen, thousands were charged before I could cancel. The thief dropped nearly $1,000 at Juicy Couture, so she/he is somewhere laughing at me in a magenta, rhinestoned "leisure suit." FML

by MBC / 02/21/2011 at 8:21pm / United States / Money

Today, I was invited to a counseling group for people with emotional problems. I brought the permission slip home for my mom to sign, only for her to accuse me of being a hypochondriacal, lazy, selfish bitch. And my friends wonder why I have problems. FML

by PissedAtLife / 02/23/2011 at 3:37pm / United States (Connecticut) / Health

Today, I had to present a powerpoint in front of my class. When I was finished, no one clapped. On my way back to my seat, I slipped on a pencil and fell straight on my face. That's when everyone clapped. FML

by Franigirl / 02/26/2011 at 12:34am / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend and I were play-wrestling on the bed, when he started to tickle me. I tried to pull away but he pushed me back down. I ended up hitting my eye on the corner of the nightstand. His comment was "this is why you shouldn't struggle." FML

by taiannalynn5 / 03/02/2011 at 6:43pm / Health

Today, my dad bought a one hundred dollar collectible light-saber. He plays with it. In the front yard. With sound effects. FML

by Anonymous / 03/08/2011 at 8:15pm / United States (California) / Geek

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by way of making me an account on an online dating site. He then emailed me the account information and left. FML

by Anonymous / 03/14/2011 at 1:22pm / United States (Florida) / Love