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Today, my mother told me: "If you didn't exist, I wouldn't stay with your father". So it's MY fault if she's having problems with him? FML

by Yubi / 01/11/2009 at 10:22am / Belgium (Hainaut) / Love

Today, I was sitting on the couch, computer next to me, lotion on the floor, and my dick in my hand when my roommate walked in on me. Scared and looking me right in the face he says "What's for dinner?". FML

by Anonymous / 01/22/2009 at 11:09am / United States (North Carolina) / Intimacy

Today, the pharmacy lady wished me a happy birthday. I was buying the morning after pill. FML

by God hates me / 01/25/2009 at 7:14pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I got caught stealing lollies. I am 25. FML

Today, I put on my favorite booty shorts and walked outside to smoke a cigarette. My dog had chewed a hole in the middle of my shorts, and I was standing on a balcony that's located on the busiest street in town. FML

by ThatsNotRight / 01/30/2009 at 11:08pm / United States (Hawaii) / Animals

Today, I stuffed my buttcrack with toilet paper right before my job interview because I tend to sweat there a lot and was wearing a white skirt. I went to the bathroom afterward to take it out but it wasn't there anymore. It could have only gone up two places. FML

by wtf / 02/02/2009 at 10:28pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got my fake ID and went out with the boys to dinner and the bars. One of my friends asked to see my ID. He noticed my birthday didn't make me over 21. I paid $170 for a fake ID with my real birthday. FML

by Noname / 02/21/2009 at 8:19pm / United States (Illinois) / Money

Today, my cat was in the bathroom when I was undressing to get into the shower. I realized that he was the only male to have seen me naked in the past two months. Then he started scratching the door for me to let him out. FML

by catlady / 03/01/2009 at 3:36pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Animals

Today, my parents got back from their weekend ski trip. I had a few parties over the weekend and had cleaned up absolutely EVERYTHING; beer cans, throw up, spilled drinks, etc. The only thing I forgot about was the condom someone left in my parents bed. FML

by Lichelle / 03/10/2009 at 5:30pm / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was getting onto an airplane and happened to admire the stewardess. I was walking onto the plane and was just about to talk to her when my foot slipped into the crack between the boarding ramp and the plane. Not only did she laugh as I limped to my seat but now I have bruised nuts. FML

by balancestrikesagain / 04/24/2009 at 5:37am / United States (Georgia) / Transportation

Today, I came home to tell my parents about my new nose job I got about a month ago. My mom always told me I should get one, so I didn't tell her right away to see if she would notice. I was home for about 20 minutes before she asked me, "so when are you getting that nose job?" FML

by Noname / 02/25/2009 at 4:31pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went for a job interview on my birthday. I had on a shirt and a tie on and I had my Blackberry in my pocket. I was running a little late, so I dashed outside. When I came out of the door, a bunch of my buddies screamed HAPPY BIRTHDAY! and poured Gatorade all over me. FML

by Noname / 03/06/2009 at 4:24pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got to my underground parking garage at work and saw my boss pulling into a spot. I thought I would show him my reverse parking skills and decided to park beside him. As I was pulling in he opened his door to get out and I smashed into it, nearly running him over. FML

by mikej1985 / 03/20/2009 at 1:11pm / Canada (Ontario) / Work