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Today, I went to the store to buy a phone I saw last week. I looked around a little first, then continued to the electronics section. I couldn't find the phone I saw, so I went to leave. Halfway to the exit, I was detained by security and grilled for ages over my "suspicious behaviour". FML

by Anonymous / 04/04/2014 at 3:02pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had my first car crash. I ran into a parked car and the owner saw it happen. I then accidentally opened my door straight into her car as well when I went to give her my information. FML

by Anonymous / 04/17/2014 at 12:01pm / United States (Virginia) / Transportation

Today, my little brother put a battery to my tongue while I was sleeping with my mouth open. The shock found its way right to my metal filling. FML

by Anonymous / 04/26/2014 at 7:36am / United States (Georgia) / Kids

Today, I was at a nightclub when some dick squeezed the ass of the girl beside me. She whirled around and started yelling and slapping me across the face. I was dragged out by the bouncers, to cheers from the people around us. FML

by ThisIsWhyIStayAtHome / 05/23/2014 at 8:09pm / Ireland (Dublin) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to explain to my boss that using a wired connection instead of wifi won't stop his computer from getting viruses. He looked at me, open-mouthed and wide-eyed, like he was a 13-year-old boy and I was a pair of tits. Then he called me clueless and told me to get back to work. FML

by Anonymous / 07/11/2014 at 6:54pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I managed to punch a customer's child as he walked around the corner just as I enthusiastically pointed his mother in the direction of what she was looking for. FML

by Anonymous / 07/23/2014 at 12:04am / Canada (British Columbia) / Work

Today, was the first day my grandma has seen me since I started going to tanning beds. She is now considering taking me out of her will because I look like "a damn Indian". FML

by kirstyrd / 08/12/2014 at 2:07am / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I stopped two little boys from spitting over a railing at the piano player two floors below in the department store I work at. Their mom complained to my boss about me. FML

by spitstopper / 08/06/2014 at 10:22pm / United States (Alabama) / Work

Today, my blind date thought the best way to start off is to show up blind drunk. She ended up puking on the table and leaving me to pay. FML

by ragingwaffles / 08/13/2014 at 12:25am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I was checking out of a hotel when I saw some complementary mints. They weren't mints. They were glass beads. FML

by Wingman527 / 09/15/2014 at 5:39pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was watching "My Strange Addiction". The woman featured ate rocks. While judging her weird habit, I realised I was chewing on a coat-hanger the whole time. FML

by ayeayeboy19 / 09/11/2014 at 10:57am / United Kingdom (Edinburgh, City of) / Miscellaneous

Today, while on the bus, a friendly-looking guy smiled at me, so I smiled back. He then pointed at my teeth and said, "You gonna get those fixed, or just keep them as a conversation starter?" FML

by jewelthewat / 09/19/2014 at 8:52am / Netherlands (Utrecht) / Transportation

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I overheard my brother telling his friend that having sex with a girl who's on the pill gives the guy female hormones and "turns you into like, half-chick, half-dude." He was serious. How am I related to this moron? FML

by Anonymous / 10/03/2014 at 4:43pm / United States (Arizona) / Kids