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Today, I had dinner on my own. My cat came and sat on the chair on the other side of the table. We stared at each other during the whole meal. Pathetic. FML

by JulleandCici / 01/31/2009 at 10:03am / Animals

Today, I had a wet dream. When I woke up, I was touching myself. Unfortunately, I also woke up to find that I had fallen asleep on the couch after eating too much at a family reunion. When I looked around the room, over 10 relatives were giving me nasty looks. FML

by frankrizzo / 02/01/2009 at 12:29pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, they were handing out free razors in the mall. I went up to get my free sample, but the woman just smiled and said, "Sorry honey, they're sharp, and not for children." I'm 25. FML

by Noname / 02/20/2009 at 12:17am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, my parents met my boyfriends parents for the first time. Bailing us out of jail. FML

by DB / 02/22/2009 at 9:29pm / United States (South Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mother and I walked past my boyfriend, whom she's never met. After we casually greeted each other and went on our way my mother says, "He's cute. Who is he?" I paused for a second and replied, "That's my boyfriend." She then asks, "Does he know that?" FML

by ThanksMa / 03/22/2009 at 3:45pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, I spent 3 hours trying to close a simple $400 deal with a homeowner. He spent 3 hours telling me about his life story including his marital problems, his philosophical views of the world, AND he read me 20 pages of haiku poems. Only 3 hours later did he tell me he couldn't accept my deal. FML

by canabana / 04/11/2009 at 4:42am / Canada (Ontario) / Money

Today, I was training for my new job at a restaurant. As part of training, they give you free food so you know what to reccommend, and the dish I got was really good. Eight hours later I saw it again while I was puking; I got food poisoning from my own place of work. FML

by newhostess / 04/11/2009 at 12:12pm / United States (Colorado) / Work

Today, the police posted a description of the car of a child abductor. As everyone slowed down to read the billboard, I realized that the car's description and license plate were very similar to mine. After getting death stares from passengers, I got pulled over. Twice. FML

by eyeamcool / 04/17/2009 at 12:11am / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, I got really excited at work over a deal I was about to close. I got up and started performing a rather obscene hip thrust only to notice a client sitting in the glass meeting room. FML

by hipthrustdude / 05/18/2009 at 8:04am / Malaysia (Kuala Lumpur) / Work

Today, I waved at a cute guy when I was leaving Wendy's. I then ran into a curb, spilled my frosty, and hit my head on the steering wheel. I turned around and both the cute guy and his dad were in hysterics. FML

by lulabell / 05/18/2009 at 10:07pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I was walking my dog but every time he looked like he was about to "go", he became uninterested with the spot and kept walking. I, following behind, tripped over a bump in the sidewalk and face planted. My dog then finally urinated, all over my aching body. FML

by mraow123 / 05/30/2009 at 1:04am / United States / Animals

Today, at work my arms were full. I needed to get the door open, so instead of pushing the swing door open with my shoulder, I kicked it open with my foot. Right into my manager's face. FML

by hellogoodbye / 06/05/2009 at 11:36pm / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, I finally got my nametag. I had been using other people's names like Maria and Caie for a week, so I was happy to be called my own name. I put it on and got to work. Ten minutes later, I was called into the office. I got laid off. I got to wear my nametag for 10 minutes. FML

by nametag / 06/08/2009 at 10:07pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous