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Today, I felt the tag of my shirt bunch up in my skirt. As I reached into my skirt to rearrange it, it started moving. It was a four-inch cockroach. FML

Today, I spiced things up by lying on the bed and pouring melted white chocolate on myself. I called out to my fiancé to come in. He was 'checking' his favourite scene in Batman vs Superman and couldn't hear me. I was stuck unable to move for ten minutes until he finally heard me. FML

by Chocolaty / 07/21/2016 at 8:48pm / Australia (Victoria) / Intimacy

Today, I lost my third phone in a year. Making it a grand total of 11 telephones lost or stolen in the past 3 years. FML

by failphone / 01/07/2009 at 2:57pm / United States (California) / Geek

Today, me and my friend are sitting here on fmylife.com while our boyfriends are out clubbing. FML

by ishweta56 / 01/17/2009 at 5:57pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, I was in the car with a group of my girl friends discussing sexual experiences when I looked down and realized my Blackberry had dialed the family I babysit for and had left a five minute voicemail. FML

by Embarrassed / 02/10/2009 at 8:46pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, I was pissing in a urinal and I had the urge to sneeze. Unable to hold it, I sneezed and hit my head on a metal beam supporting the urinal. In complete disarray, I had to step back from the urinal while pissing and managed to spray the floor, the wall, and the person next to me. FML

by iliketurtles / 02/24/2009 at 5:57pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my name was called during an assembly because I won some sort of prize. Everyone booed. FML

by ladeda / 03/07/2009 at 2:01am / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I stayed over at my grandparents' house. I woke up and had to brush my teeth. My grandma asked if I had found a toothbrush to use. I told her that I used my old purple toothbrush. She told me that was the toothbrush she used to brush her toenails. FML

by uofpalum / 03/18/2009 at 9:41pm / United States (District of Columbia) / Health

Today, I got a phone call from a detective in response to my stolen car that has been missing since St. Patrick's Day. He told me that he had found my car, but was chuckling the whole time. Turns out, I had parked my car in a different lot. I haven't had it for a week. It was never stolen. FML

by Blondie / 03/23/2009 at 4:37pm / United States (New York) / Transportation

Today, as a volunteer at the local daycare, I was with 3 and 4 year olds. They thought it would be funny to trip me and then jump on my back. I hit my elbow hard on the ground. A bunch of pre-schoolers beat me up. FML

by biotch / 06/06/2009 at 7:46pm / United States (New Jersey) / Kids

Today, I received an email from a temp agency trying to hire me. Surprisingly, it was the same job I was just laid off from after two years of great employment. They were trying to hire me at half my original salary. FML

by surfernerd6987 / 06/11/2009 at 1:21am / United States (Tennessee) / Work

Today, I was driving and stopped behind a person at a stop sign. Their car didn't move for about 1 minute. I got out of my car yelling at the person. It was an old woman. She wasn't breathing. FML

by Harejordan / 02/04/2009 at 11:44am / United States (California) / Health

Today, I was working the register at a local grocery store. A kid about 5 years old was having trouble zipping his jacket. I reached out to help him and he started screaming "No bad touch bad touch!" and kicked me in the knee. Everyone looked. FML

by jessica / 02/17/2009 at 6:56pm / United States (New York) / Work