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Today, I found a roach in my takeaway. I found it after I felt something hard in my mouth and spat pieces of it back out onto my plate. FML

by Anonymous / 02/07/2014 at 1:51pm / Mayotte / Miscellaneous

Today, while walking barefoot through my house, I saw something shine on the floor across the hallway. Curious as to what it was, I rubbed my foot across the carpet to feel it. It wasn't until it was deeply lodged in my foot did I realize it was an open safety pin. FML

by owmyfoot / 02/23/2014 at 9:22pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, I confessed my love for the girl I like, on the forum she moderates. She responded by banning me. FML

by Depirama / 02/28/2014 at 4:26pm / France (Rhone-Alpes) / Love

Today, at my job as a librarian at an old library, I was shelving books. Things were great until one entire bookshelf fell over. The damage wasn't too bad. Then the rest fell down. FML

by FallCameEarly / 02/27/2014 at 1:21am / United States (California) / Work

Today, I met my boyfriend's adoptive family. There was his mom and several brothers, one of whom tried to hit on me. They tried to convince my boyfriend to break up with me, and his mom told me I'll probably get knocked up by the brother who hit on me. FML

by Anonymous / 03/01/2014 at 1:09am / Australia (Victoria) / Love

Today, I was on the subway, when the girl opposite me suddenly started shouting and accusing me of photographing her. I was reading a book on my phone, and I showed her the screen, but I got shoved around anyway by another guy, who threatened to report me for being a pervert. FML

by Anonymous / 03/09/2014 at 3:31pm / Singapore / Transportation

Today, I had to wave my arms like a maniac as I sat on the toilet at work, otherwise the faulty motion sensor/timer would turn the lights off after about ten seconds. I've had to do this for several days now. No one else has reported this problem, so management won't get it fixed. FML

by aziraphaleelle / 03/18/2014 at 4:10am / United States (California) / Work

Today, I discovered that the laser disc player I used to have was not in fact a laser disc player but a Pioneer Laseractive. Broken ones sell on eBay for $200 and working ones sell for around $1000. I sold a working one for less than $100-worth of credit at a second-hand store. FML

by Sad Nerd / 04/02/2014 at 4:20am / United States (Arizona) / Money

Today, during my dinner break, I was forced to listen to a coworker talk about how he dumped his needy ex for another woman. I'm the ex. We kept our relationship secret from our coworkers. I guess now I know why he dumped me. FML

by Anonymous / 03/24/2014 at 2:56am / United States / Love

Today, a man asked me on a date. It's been so long, I accepted immediately. He began quoting what seemed like random numbers to me, and it took me a few minutes to work out what he meant. Not only was I mistaken for a prostitute, I'm also worth, at most, $60. FML

by that kind of girl / 04/01/2014 at 8:02pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, I burned my left breast with hot oil at work. Everyone's now calling me "toaster strudel" and singing "This girl is on fire" every time we cross paths. FML

by angelamegan21 / 05/28/2014 at 4:33pm / United States (Florida) / Health

Today, as I was using the public restroom in the mall, someone decided to slam the stall door next to mine. This resulted in my stall door opening while I was still on the toilet. The door was too far for me to reach. FML

by Username / 05/29/2014 at 10:14am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, things got so bad with my mother-in-law that I seriously considered faking my entire family's deaths to escape it all. FML

by save me / 05/30/2014 at 6:33pm / Belgium (Antwerpen) / Miscellaneous