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Today, my boss put me on suspension, a week after granting a subordinate time off to recover from surgery. When I signed the paperwork, I was too embarrassed to admit I didn't understand her writing, which apparently said she was getting treated for "dangerously low levels of dick". FML

by offtothejobcentre / 12/31/2012 at 5:42pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Work

Today, my uncle keeps spamming me on Facebook with friend suggestions. Most of them are people he met on porn sites. FML

by tftm / 01/05/2013 at 12:37am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I ran into a former co-worker who I hadn't seen in years. She was raving at how I hadn't aged a bit, but before I could thank her she said, "But, you know, chubby people age better." FML

by Colleen Nichols / 02/04/2013 at 7:17am / United States (New Jersey) / Work

Today, working as a waitress, I was asked by a customer, yet again, how my baby was doing. I don't have a baby, but I do look very similar to my 25-year-old coworker, who's a new mom. People confuse us all the time. Unfortunately, my crush, who was standing nearby, doesn't know that. FML

by Anonymous / 02/13/2013 at 12:12am / United States (California) / Work

Today, I got left in the middle of slow dancing with a girl I liked. She came back and said, "Sorry, I had to make sure the guy I really like knows that I don't like you." FML

by Greg / 02/10/2013 at 11:01pm / United Kingdom / Love

Today, I went to the local pet store to purchase a large dog bed so my dog wouldn't sleep in mine. After I got home and set up her bed, I realized I forgot to buy dog treats. When I came home again, her new bed was torn to shreds, and she was still sleeping on my bed. FML

by akasoor / 02/10/2013 at 8:51pm / Canada (Alberta) / Animals

Today, I spoke to my crush for the first time, and after a while he asked for my number. Ecstatic, I took the first piece of paper I saw out of my purse. I wrote it down and gave it to him, but he handed it back and said, "You might need this." It was an appointment card for my therapist. FML

by sofuckingembarassing. / 02/11/2013 at 2:19pm / United States / Love

Today, I told my mom that I heard something, and I think we have rats in the attic and should hire an exterminator. She looked at me and said, "Rats, huh? That's what the mom in The Exorcist thought, but it turned out to be the devil living up there." FML

by jkbeynon / 03/02/2013 at 11:18pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, after months of my doctor telling me that my heart palpitations are simply due to anxiety, and that I'm perfectly healthy, I decided to weight train to face my fears. Two hours later, I was in the emergency room. FML

by Anonymous / 03/01/2013 at 10:17pm / United States (Iowa) / Health

Today, I realized that the only positive accomplishment my boyfriend has made in the last 3 years is that he started wearing deodorant. FML

by butterflyzag20 / 02/27/2013 at 10:28pm / United States / Love

Today, my boyfriend of a year and a half left me for another girl. Who was the only person who cared enough to comfort me? The girl he left me for. FML

by ForeverAlone / 03/06/2013 at 5:28pm / United States (Missouri) / Love

Today, my 20-year-old came whining to me, asking why his job interviews keep going so poorly. I had to delicately explain that the "PIMP SLAP" tattoo he had put on his right hand recently may have something to do with it. FML

by ProudMother / 03/06/2013 at 1:04pm / United Kingdom (Telford and Wrekin) / Kids

Today, I had to present a project for my science class. I began explaining my project; looking at all the bored people, I got incredibly nervous. My nervousness then caused me to laugh hysterically, causing my classmates to laugh. My teacher felt sorry for me and told me to sit down. FML

by esbemebe1113 / 03/27/2013 at 5:12pm / United States (Georgia) / Geek

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.