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Today, I was robbed. I didn't know how the robber got in, as there was no clear signs of forced entry. I later found out that my psycho ex had written my address on the key I lent her when we were going out. And then purposely left it on a table in a café. FML

by Luke / 09/10/2015 at 1:56am / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I said I wouldn't find her attractive in 20 years. What I actually said was that I wouldn't sleep with her mother now, who happens to be 20 years older than her. FML

by Shelling Ford / 08/25/2015 at 7:55am / Germany (Bayern) / Love

Today, I finally finished restoring a car after working on it for 6 months, so I took it out for a drive. On the way back, I stopped at a red light, but the drunk driver behind me didn't. FML

Today, I watched porn on my phone for the first time and it went black and shut down. In reality my phone just died. But I thought for a few seconds the government found me out. Paranoia much. FML

by xxx / 10/03/2015 at 9:38am / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was pushing so hard to take a number two that I ended up passing out. FML

by Till We Pass Out / 10/03/2015 at 11:30am / United Kingdom (Calderdale) / Health

Today, at my prestigious sous chef job, I was preparing to plate up expensive entrees for a function of 150 people. After arriving to work 2 hours early to finalize finishing touches, they call the restaurant 5 minutes before their booking stating, 'We can't be bothered anymore, sorry.' FML

by Chefinblack / 10/19/2015 at 6:13pm / Australia / Work

Today, I had to convince my nine year-old brother to stop using my biology textbook as a masturbatory aid so I could actually get some studying done. FML

by Anonymous / 11/04/2015 at 8:17pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I found out my coworker was arrested for beating the crap out of his wife. I gave him a serious pep talk yesterday where I told him to stop taking her shit and start standing up for himself. FML

by Anonymous / 11/20/2015 at 2:27pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, my brother called me a clueless idiot after I told him that odometers measure distance traveled, not a person's body odor. FML

by facepalm / 11/18/2015 at 10:42am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, despite having my 5-day-leave approved 2 months ago, my boss demanded I return to work in the middle of it. Why? She wants to go on a vacation and no one else is available at such short notice. FML

by FMyJob / 11/06/2015 at 6:59pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Work

Today, I was officially diagnosed with OCD. My mother's reaction? "That's not possible, she's a fucking slob." FML

by AlwaysTired / 11/27/2015 at 10:21pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I turned 18. My dad congratulated me and gifted me his collection of old porn magazines. Not bad, dad, but perhaps not during family dinner next time. FML

by NotSoComfortable / 12/17/2015 at 4:10am / Italy (Veneto) / Intimacy

Today, my boss fired three of the four other people who were going to work with me on Black Friday in my department. Now it's just me and a new hire. My boss doesn't see a problem. FML

by darksaber522 / 11/25/2015 at 4:40pm / Canada (Ontario) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.