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Today, the girl whom I have loved for 4 years told me that she loved me too and would like to spend her life with me. This was before she told me that God did not want us to be together. FML

by thesparrow / 02/06/2009 at 4:24pm / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, this guy took me to Denny's on a first date and used a 2 for 1 coupon. It was expired. I paid. FML

by Nator / 02/09/2009 at 10:31am / United States (District of Columbia) / Love

Today, I went to my crushes Mardi Gras party. He was handing out beads to all the girls at the party that flashed him. When he came around to me he stopped and said "I will give you these beads NOT to flash me." FML

by MADfml / 02/25/2009 at 10:12pm / United States (Virginia) / Love

Today, I decided to practice putting a condom on with my mouth. Then my roommate walked in on me using my mouth to roll a condom onto a banana. FML

by banana / 02/25/2009 at 10:01pm / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy

Today, I realized that the beef jerky someone had left on the counter and that I'd been sneaking a few pieces of every morning had a cartoon dog holding two strips of beef jerky. I wondered why nobody else was eating it. It was beef jerky for dogs. FML

by Chubsley / 02/21/2009 at 2:44am / United States (Virginia) / Animals

Today, I told my boyfriend "we need to talk". He said "i know". So we met after school, and he said he was ok with me breaking up with him, that he wasn't that into me either. He said all that before I could tell him that my parents wanted to meet him. FML

by knee2tak / 03/14/2009 at 5:46am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I got a email from my boss. He said he was going to have to let me go for missing so much work over the last week. I was laid off two months ago. I don't know what is more depressing, getting fired from a job twice or the fact it took two months for them to notice I wasn't there anymore. FML

by laxguy23 / 04/21/2009 at 11:11am / United States (Virginia) / Work

Today, I finally got cleared after my knee surgery and wanted to go salsa dancing with a girl I liked. So we went and I thought I would show off a little bit and try to dip her and kiss her. Turns out my knee isn't strong enough and now she won't talk to me after dropping her on the floor. FML

by Mikey / 04/28/2009 at 2:50am / United States (California) / Love

Today, as I finished putting self tanner on my legs, the phone rang. Telemarketer. After returning to the bathroom I put moisturizer on my face. As I looked in the mirror, I soon realized I'd forgotten to wash my hands. My face is now streaky orange. FML

by Anonymous / 05/05/2009 at 8:27pm / Canada (Nova Scotia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to a theme party where everyone wore white shirts and brought markers to draw on them. I didn't know many people there but I still went around drawing on people's shirts. After a few hours, someone finally drew on my shirt. They wrote "I'm scary." FML

by MandyPanda / 05/25/2009 at 10:24am / United States (District of Columbia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my little nieces and nephews were about to have a water balloon fight. I was told to take pictures. They hit me. And my $600 camera. FML

by DntH8 / 06/23/2009 at 3:21am / United States (Virginia) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I found a website that lets you write an email to yourself from "the past". I used my boss's address, and wrote a long email about how much I hate him, signed from me. It worked, and he'll receive it in 6 months, after I move away. He's already received the confirmation email, though. FML

by Alex / 07/15/2009 at 4:17pm / United States (Virginia) / Work

Today, I got an email from a local company looking to have a website made. I looked over their request and provided them with a reasonable offer. I got an email back stating that they would like to pay me with liquor instead of money. FML

by Anonymous / 07/17/2009 at 2:05am / United States (Georgia) / Work