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Today, I woke up to a mouse sitting on my pillow and chewing on my hair. FML

by Anonymous / 10/05/2014 at 1:04pm / United States (Kentucky) / Animals

Today, I found a $20 bill on the ground, so I decided to pick it up. It was actually attached to a string and was meant to be a prank by some kids. They failed miserably, so I took the money. They ran up to me and punched me in the balls for taking their cash. FML

by ethawesome1125 / 11/02/2014 at 7:11pm / United States (Texas) / Money

Today, I laughed at my grandma's chihuahua poodle mix, as it barked at me entering the house. "What are you going to do, nibble me to death?" is apparently enough to make it jump and bite me. I needed five stitches. FML

by Anonymous / 10/18/2014 at 7:05pm / United States (Illinois) / Animals

Today, while using a public toilet, a guy started pissing beside me at the urinal. The breach of bathroom etiquette then escalated to him taking a long look down at me and saying "Nice sack, dude." followed by him finishing up and leaving without even washing his hands. FML

by Anonymous / 11/20/2014 at 11:35am / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my wife received a $15,000 bonus from her work. I got a backpack from mine. FML

by INeedaNewJob / 11/16/2014 at 6:25pm / United States (Washington) / Money

Today, my friendly neighbor asked me to check in on his apartment every few days while he's gone on vacation. You can imagine my horror when I walked in for the first time and found out he's a snake breeder. Twelve more days to go. FML

by Anonymous / 11/19/2014 at 9:43pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Animals

Today, I woke up, only to find my Xbox missing. Thankfully I have a security camera discreetly wired up in the tree on my lawn. Checking the tapes, I saw my brother park outside my house, let himself in with his spare key, then drive off with my missing equipment. FML

by Anonymous / 11/22/2014 at 4:08pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was watching The Walking Dead while in bed, when I heard a noise in the kitchen. I told myself I was just imagining things. Several hours later, as I was getting ready for sleep, I found out I'd actually been robbed. FML

by Slow_Walker / 11/15/2014 at 5:59pm / Georgia (Dushet'is Raioni) / Intimacy

Today, my grandpa came into my room and asked for a pen. As I gave it to him, he let rip the foulest fart I've ever smelled in my life, and walked out without a word. 2 hours later, the smell is not only still there, it's filled the room. Looks like I'm sleeping downstairs on the couch tonight. FML

by Anonymous / 11/23/2014 at 7:52am / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend decided to treat me out to dinner and cake for my birthday. My mom felt left out and yelled at my girlfriend in an angry tirade. My girlfriend went home. I'm spending my birthday, alone in my room. FML

by Haitwun / 12/07/2014 at 9:18pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I was t-boned and my truck was rendered useless. I was given a ticket even though the man who hit me ran a red light. Why? Because there was dirt on my license plate. FML

by killerxdeagles / 12/22/2014 at 9:22pm / United States (Kansas) / Transportation

Today, at Christmas dinner, my grandmother talked about the death of every single dog she ever had. All 10 of them. FML

by dunn76 / 12/25/2014 at 6:47am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, desperate for work, I went into a shop and asked the owner if he had any spare jobs to fill. He looked me up and down and sneered "Yes, but not for people like... you." FML

by Anonymous / 01/06/2015 at 1:54pm / United Kingdom / Work