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Today, my boss called me to his office, and played back a recording of me telling a co-worker that if I still worked there in a year, I would hang myself. He then bitched me out for unprofessional conduct. The taped conversation took place over a year ago, with my recently ex-boyfriend. FML

by janice / 06/03/2011 at 7:23pm / United States / Work

Today, I got a call from a creditor asking for a Sarah. I told them that I'm not Sarah, nor do I know one. They then asked if she was my wife. Annoyed, I said, "Alright, when did I get a wife? I don't even remember having a girlfriend." They sniggered and hung up. FML

by Miriden / 07/19/2011 at 10:41am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, at my boyfriend's house, I met his mother for the first time. And promptly fell in their pond. FML

by the girlfriend / 08/26/2011 at 6:41am / United Kingdom / Love

Today, I was fired because a 10-year-old shat his pants and couldn't follow directions. FML

by dck128 / 08/29/2011 at 6:05pm / United States (Tennessee) / Work

Today, I had a bunch of friends over for a party. My mom came stumbling into my room, crying about how she was officially menopausal, and that I was going to "die an only child." FML

by Anonymous / 09/07/2011 at 11:11am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, still suffering from an eye infection, I received a customer complaint. Having red eyes, asking how a patron's day went, and thanking them as they left my register obviously means that I must be stoned out of my mind. Apparently I've moved to a city where you must be on drugs if you're nice. FML

by Customer Stonage Representative / 10/21/2011 at 8:10am / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years asked my dad if he could marry me, and my dad agreed. He then tells me that he's not going to propose for maybe another year at least, he "just wanted to get that out of the way." FML

by Anonymous / 12/25/2011 at 8:28pm / United States / Love

Today, while driving to work in heavy traffic, I got so into the song I was listening to that I tapped my foot on the gas to the beat. I rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

by Anonymous / 01/31/2012 at 8:11pm / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, my son learned that when you slide a mug across the kitchen table, it doesn't stop where you expect it to like in the old cartoons. I then learned what it feels like to have a full mug of hot chocolate spilled onto my crotch. FML

by Bruce / 02/01/2012 at 10:11pm / United States (Rhode Island) / Kids

Today, I received a parking fine for $147. My car isn't even worth that much. FML

by jam / 02/11/2012 at 2:03am / Australia / Transportation

Today, my friend and I got into such a heated debate the police had to be called. The debate was about Whitney Houston. FML

by OhMyWhitney / 02/20/2012 at 2:41am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, my drunken mother woke up after having passed out and yelled at me for ditching school. It took half an hour to explain that it's 5:00, and I've already been to school. FML

by AnastasiyaNicholas / 02/18/2012 at 9:20am / United States (Ohio) / Health

Today, I had to get out my birth certificate to prove to my dad that today is my birthday. This has happened before. FML

by Alex / 03/06/2012 at 7:34pm / United States / Miscellaneous