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Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend about the importance of foreplay, and that attempting to get me "in the mood" by whipping his cock out and air humping was roughly equivalent to throwing a dry teabag at me and claiming he made a cup of tea. FML

by Anonymous / 10/16/2015 at 11:05am / United Kingdom (Hampshire) / Intimacy

Today, my bio teacher decided to put a plant in his classroom, and I'm allergic to it. Apparently, my hives and runny nose aren't enough to convince him to get rid of it. FML

by SOILEDIT / 10/23/2015 at 11:03pm / United States (District of Columbia) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I called a doctor's office for a referral. I was in public, so when she asked me what type of issue I had, I mumbled that I had a vaginal issue. After painstakingly having to repeat this several times, she said she was asking what kind of insurance I have. FML

by Jess / 10/27/2015 at 4:16pm / Health

Today, I got to my human anatomy class with a hickey on my neck. Since I sit in the front row, my professor noticed and decided to call me to the front. He then started talking about ruptured blood vessels and hickeys, all while as I served as the subject. FML

by nonymous human subject / 11/14/2015 at 3:02pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, while changing the litter in the cat box, the brand new carton ripped open, spilling all twelve pounds of cat litter over my kitchen floor. Both cats promptly rushed over and began frantically urinating all over it. FML

by misfitunfit / 11/10/2015 at 8:24pm / United States (Texas) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my 4-year-old twin boys are fighting because they both want to watch the SAME show on Netflix. They don't want the other one to choose, because somehow that invalidates their own choice, even though they both get to watch what they want, which is "Barbie, life in the dream house". FML

by Anonymous / 11/25/2015 at 12:13pm / United States (Washington) / Kids

Today, I came home to my mentally unhinged roommate jacking off to a frozen TV frame of Peggy Hill from King of the Hill. When he saw me, he threw an ash tray at me and told me to get out. FML

by Anonymous / 12/07/2015 at 7:40pm / United States (Oregon) / Intimacy

Today, my cat managed to digest some of the grass she ate. This makes her poop come out daisy-chained, and sometimes leaves a piece dangling from her ass on a string of grass. Then she runs around like crazy until it falls off, if possible on my bed. I had to catch her and pull it out by hand. FML

Today, after weeks of keeping it a secret, I excitedly gave my boyfriend what I thought to be the perfect Christmas present. Turns out lock picking sets are illegal in Ohio. FML

by BahHumbug / 12/27/2015 at 12:18am / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I accidentally edged over the speed limit and got pulled over. The officer asked me if I knew why he'd pulled me over. Before I could say something diplomatic, my dad said from the passenger seat: "Because you're a prick in fancy dress?" I got ticketed. FML

by buttfingers / 12/26/2015 at 12:37pm / United States (Texas) / Transportation

Today, I discovered my dog humping my sister's five month old baby while babysitting. FML

by Sleep_lover654 / 01/07/2016 at 1:46am / United States (Arizona) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I found out my fiancée has been sleeping with the salesman I bought her engagement ring from. He knew. FML

by FML / 01/19/2016 at 1:41am / United States / Love

Today, I got my wisdom teeth out. Afterwards, my parents thought it would be a great idea to have my favourite meal. I got to watch them enjoy it. FML

by First World Problems / 01/08/2016 at 9:34am / Australia (Victoria) / Health