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Today, my "future" wife got drunk in front of my parents, who she was meeting for the first time. She called my dad a piece of shit and told my mom she wants to tear her own eyes out. FML

by shocked / 10/12/2009 at 10:52am / United States (Nebraska) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out my boyfriend only dates me because I look a bit like his favourite porn star. FML

by Anonymous / 10/11/2009 at 6:58am / United Kingdom (Newport) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend and I were messing around when he accidentally elbowed me in the eye and I couldn't see. He rolled over, turned on the football game, and told me to just walk upstairs and get ice. He also added that he would like a coke while I am up there. FML

by Anonymous / 10/17/2009 at 12:26pm / United States (Ohio) / Love

Today, I went to the post office and as I entered the building my car alarm went off. Thinking I'd accidentally pressed the alarm on my keys, I shut it off without looking. When I returned to my car, the passenger window was demolished and my purse with all my money was gone. FML

by kiran / 10/24/2009 at 12:19am / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, I got to my apartment early after being out really late the night before. Maybe next time I should call ahead of time so that my roommate has time to sneak my girlfriend out of his bedroom. FML

by ZPyRoGoDz / 11/02/2009 at 6:05am / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, I took a smoke break at work and I noticed a huge zit on my face. I used the reflection from a window to take care of the problem and then realized that there was a staff meeting taking place on the other side. FML

by JC / 10/22/2009 at 7:05pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my sister got married. For the second time. She's 30. Two men have loved her enough to cry over their vows to her. Every single person there asked me why I wasn't married yet. FML

by joyful-not / 10/25/2009 at 10:27pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Love

Today, I sent a get well card to my friend. it wasn't until after I got home from posting it did I realise that the stamps I put on the envelope had the phrase "Let's Get Active" on them with drawings of people playing sports. My friend is in a wheelchair. FML

by Insensitive / 11/14/2009 at 5:26pm / Australia (Victoria) / Health

Today, I found a small bottle of chocolate milk in the fridge from McDonald's. I've been living with my grandparents while going to college and figuring they'd never drink it themselves, I took a sip. It had expired two years ago. FML

by pimdala_major / 10/30/2009 at 3:21pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, my parents and I went to the movies for my mom's birthday. After the movie, my mom and dad got into a fight, and left me at the movies. My cell phone was dead, and my house was about 12 miles away. They finally came and picked me up, hours later. FML

by moviewalker / 11/26/2009 at 1:18am / United States (Nebraska) / Miscellaneous

Today, I introduced my family to beerpong. They especially liked the part about distracting each other while shooting. My grandma flashed me. FML

by ScarredForLife / 12/25/2009 at 1:28am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I sneezed seven times in a row. That's the closest thing I've had to an orgasm in months. FML

by omglifee / 12/19/2009 at 11:13pm / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, my little brother punched me in the stomach. When I didn't flinch and he asked me why, I decided to be funny and tell him I was Iron Man and nothing could hurt me. Two seconds later he took a step back and kicked me in the nuts as hard as he could. FML

by Anonymous / 12/14/2009 at 6:46pm / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous