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Today, a man tried to rob the store I work at. Before the guy was taken by the cops, he complained to my manager for "unfriendly behavior". He took it seriously and bitched me out for not providing "quality service" to our customers. FML

by notfuckingpaidenough / 06/13/2015 at 7:45am / United States (California) / Work

Today, the new girl told me that a guy at the back of the class was being creepy. I looked over and saw him picking his nose and flinging boogers at the girls sitting in the front. That guy is my boyfriend. FML

by sweetsixteenyay / 06/25/2015 at 3:16pm / United Kingdom (Caerphilly) / Miscellaneous

Today, I heard my ten-year-old brother say, "Are hamburgers a reptile?" FML

by Andrew / 07/14/2015 at 1:59pm / United States (New Jersey) / Kids

Today, I had to call a coworker to the office via the store intercom. The damn thing didn't turn off properly and everyone heard me say "I hate that asshole. Just be where your dumb ass should be." I realized my mistake a few seconds before my manager stormed in and threatened to fire me. FML

by suspended / 07/24/2015 at 8:59pm / United States (Colorado) / Work

Today, I had 3 teeth pulled. Due to the anaesthesia, my mom came along to drive me home. Halfway through my surgery, she decided to leave and go shopping with her friend. She even left a note with the receptionist, saying that I needed to take on my own adult responsibilities. FML

by gerbilmaster / 07/09/2015 at 5:12pm / United States (Washington) / Health

Today, at a baseball game, I smiled and waved at the little girl in front of me. She cried. FML

by Liamj774 / 07/29/2015 at 9:42pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I went to the store with my 4-year-old daughter. When I went to change into tight jeans which weren't completely on, my daughter opened the curtain and yelled: "It's the mommy show!" Everyone there heard her and saw me. FML

by Anonymous / 08/09/2015 at 8:37pm / United States (Texas) / Kids

Today, I had to serve an incredibly rude and irrationally angry customer, but I managed to keep my cool. When he finally went to leave with his purchase, I wished him a good day. He whirled around and yelled "I'll have whatever the fuck kind of day I want, bitch!" FML

by Anonymous / 08/08/2015 at 6:23pm / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, my coworker called me a liar when I said I've been to New York. This is the same psycho who honestly expects me to believe that she and Brad Pitt have a "thing" and that he secretly communicates with her through interviews on TV. FML

by Anonymous / 08/22/2015 at 1:49am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend dyed her hair from blonde to brunette. An hour later, she found one of her blonde hairs on my pillow, and accused me of cheating. FML

by Anonymous / 08/17/2015 at 6:46pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, I overheard my boyfriend of two years saying he only dates me because "sometimes jerking off just ain't good enough". FML

by Ananimus / 08/26/2015 at 8:31am / United States (New York) / Love

Today, the guy I've been seeing bought me a nice bottle of wine and cooked dinner for me. Later, we started having sex for the first time. All was going well until he ran to the bathroom mid-sex and I had to listen to him with explosive diarrhea. The worst part is, he wanted to keep going after. FML

by westie732 / 09/09/2015 at 10:44pm / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that no, my period arriving several days late doesn't mean I have AIDS. FML

by T___T / 09/11/2015 at 9:54pm / United States (North Carolina) / Love