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Today, I found out I've recently developed a bladder control issue. Every time I lift anything more than about fifteen pounds, I pee myself a little. I work in a warehouse. Heavy lifting is my job. FML

by mcpeepants / 01/08/2010 at 12:56pm / United States (Vermont) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out my boyfriends' mother has invented a new kind of cake and named it after me: not because it's delicious, but because of the amount of fat in it. FML

by Jumja / 01/15/2010 at 6:37am / Netherlands (Zuid-Holland) / Love

Today, the guy I have been seeing stopped me in the middle of sex and told me to finish him off by going down on him instead. After a few minutes, I looked up to discover that the noises I had thought were moans of pleasure were actually the sounds of him snoring. FML

by bjfail / 01/09/2010 at 10:56am / United Kingdom (North Yorkshire) / Intimacy

Today, I was lying on the couch after having surgery on my stomach. My best friend and my mom thought that laughter would be the best medicine. Due to their medicine, I ripped out half my stitches. FML

by Anonymous / 01/22/2010 at 5:08pm / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous

Today, I slipped on my icy front porch, fell back and hit my head on the step. I tried to get up, but lost my balance and fell halfway into the bush next to the steps. I then looked up to see my very hot, British, Ex-Special Forces next door neighbor laughing so hard he dropped his snow shovel. FML

by youlyingjerk / 01/31/2010 at 9:12pm / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went in to work and was handed a write-up for having lied about being sick in order to leave early yesterday. Apparently, a co-worker saw me leave the parking lot, then immediately pull into the shopping center next door. I was going to Walgreens for cold medicine. FML

by sixxie / 01/29/2010 at 12:10am / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, my mum was saying she needs to gain weight because she was underweight according to her doctor. She then said she's going to eat like me in order to gain more weight. FML

by mynameislor / 02/09/2010 at 9:26am / Canada (Ontario) / Health

Today, while getting it on with my wife, I started to talk dirty to her. She started laughing. When I asked her if she wanted me to stop, she just kept on laughing. FML

by StretchNuts / 03/11/2010 at 7:50am / United States / Intimacy

Today, at work, I had toast thrown at me by an old Vietnam vet. Who also happens to have a dead cat in his freezer. I love retirement homes. FML

by liz / 03/07/2010 at 8:46pm / United States (Washington) / Work

Today, while having dinner, my boyfriend decided to tell everyone about our sex life. It wouldnt have been too bad except my father was sitting right next to me. My boyfriends excuse was that he wanted to make my dad laugh. He isn't laughing. FML

by XxDiabolikalXx / 08/24/2010 at 3:30am / Love

Today, we were in the car with my puppy, who favours my sister. She had been sat on her lap for a while, when she stood up and climbed onto my lap. I was really pleased until she peed on me and then went straight back to my sister. FML

by PuppyPeeTimee. / 09/17/2010 at 2:30am / United Kingdom (Cambridgeshire) / Animals

Today, I was at a movie theater. I heard some obnoxious people talking in front of me. After about 5 minutes, I began throwing popcorn at a group of suspected people. As I was escorted out, I realized that the obnoxious people were in the background of the movie. FML

by escortedout / 10/23/2010 at 7:14pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I called a guy who had requested a free marketing consultation for his funeral home through the internet a couple of days ago. When I got through, the receptionist seemed a little taken back by me wanting to talk to him. He had died and was buried yesterday. FML

by Anonymous / 11/04/2010 at 2:41am / United States / Work