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Today, my friends thought it would be funny to slip a condom under my pillow at boot camp. The staff found out, I got bitched out for 30 minutes straight, and now I have to put a condom on the grip of any rifle I'm issued for a week. My new callsign is "Love Glove". FML

by LoveGlove / 06/21/2014 at 5:42pm / Canada (Alberta) / Work

Today, my boss is still refusing to hire any more people because he's convinced I can handle all of the work after the majority of staff quit. FML

by Inthedumps / 07/22/2014 at 8:51pm / United States (Illinois) / Work

Today, I woke up from a horrible nightmare. What was it about? Me accidentally scratching a non-stick pan with my utility knife. FML

by ChristinePi / 07/26/2014 at 6:09pm / United States (New York) / Money

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I had trouble carrying a box upstairs because my arms were sore from working out. My mom asked me, "Why are you working out so much then?" I didn't have the heart to tell her it was because of her 100-pound weight gain and that I didn't want to end up looking like her. FML

by jogginglikeitsmyjob / 07/31/2014 at 7:51am / United States (Massachusetts) / Health

Today, I was woken up by my wife softly kissing me on the lips. Half asleep, I kissed her back, before quickly opening my eyes and realising it wasn't my wife; it was my dog. FML

by Anonymous / 08/27/2014 at 7:04pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Animals

Today, I got fired after three days at my new job. They told me it was because of downsizing. They were still interviewing people and had a help wanted sign in the window. FML

by secretninja64 / 08/20/2014 at 11:47pm / United States (Minnesota) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I'm getting married. I have a big poofy white dress and, oh yes, the shits. Here's hoping I can make it down the aisle without rushing off to the toilet. FML

by ithinkicanmakeit / 08/20/2014 at 1:01pm / Canada (Alberta) / Love

Today, I wore a sexy nurse's outfit for a little roleplay with my boyfriend. After the main event, he said the sex was actually pretty bad and that he should file a medical malpractice lawsuit. Then he laughed at his own joke, got dressed, and went out for drinks. FML

by Anonymous / 08/26/2014 at 5:46pm / Bosnia and Herzegovina (Federation of Bosnia and Herzego) / Intimacy

Today, I tried to blink out a small speck of dirt that was caught in my eye. Instead, I learned what it feels like to suffocate a small, angry spider with your eyelid. FML

by Anonymous / 09/04/2014 at 2:44am / United States (Michigan) / Animals

Today, I had to stop at a gas station to go to the bathroom. A sign on the door told people to knock since the door didn't lock. As I was peeing, a lady walked in on me. Rather than simply saying sorry and shutting the damn door, she opened it wider and stepped in to apologize. FML

by rabid_otaku / 09/20/2014 at 7:39pm / United States (Illinois) / Transportation

Today, my dad forgot I was on the back of his motorbike. He did a wheelie and I fell off. FML

by Katthebamf / 09/28/2014 at 10:25am / United Kingdom (St. Helens) / Transportation

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my neighbor called the cops on me, claiming I'd threatened him with a gun. Despite zero proof, they took me to the station and gave me hell. I guess what I've learned today is that you should never offend your crazy neighbor by breaking up with his daughter. FML

by runsinthefamily / 10/04/2014 at 12:31pm / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend jerking off to what I thought was porn on his phone. He was actually beating it to Siri's voice. FML

by fizzie101 / 10/18/2014 at 5:43pm / United States (California) / Intimacy