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Today, my family and I were laying on my parents' bed watching a movie. My dad wrapped his arm around me and began rubbing my shoulder. That would have been fine, if it actually had been my shoulder and not my boob. Needless to say, we were both mortified. FML

by ScarredDaughter / 03/29/2016 at 1:01am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I spent 2 hours slaving over a hot stove to make my kids the perfect dinner. They both came home with Happy Meals in their hands. FML

Today, I tried to pick up two girls by asking them what time it was. They burst out laughing. FML

by SweeT / 10/25/2008 at 12:55pm / Love

Today, my wisdom teeth decided to come in. I didn't know that being wise could hurt so much. FML

by little tooth / 11/06/2008 at 8:39am / Health

Today, I was jacking off casually to a picture of my ex-girlfriend, when all of the sudden, my friend sends me an IM picture of a granny bending over which pops up on my screen. I think my sex life is ruined forever. FML

by Anonymous / 12/17/2008 at 11:32pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy

Today, a very pretty girl came up to me and asked me for my phone number. Very pleased, I give it to her with a huge smile and tell her that I can be reached at any time. I then watch her go back to her group of friends. My number was for her gay friend, who then meekly waved at me. FML

by musamalia / 01/06/2009 at 6:58am / Love

Today, I finally broke my two year dry spell, but as she was putting on the condom, I came. She laughed from the time she was putting on her clothes to when she walked out the door. I don't think she's going to call back. FML

by theguy24 / 01/27/2009 at 7:47am / United States (Nebraska) / Intimacy

Today, I emailed the guy I like to ask him on a coffee date. He responded, declining by telling me he never drinks coffee. We met at Starbucks. FML

by nononame / 03/10/2009 at 12:20am / United States (Louisiana) / Love

Today, my friend was saying how her "nano" died. I quickly responded by saying, "So? Recharge it." Turns out she didn't say "nano"; she'd said "nana." FML

by Anonymous / 04/02/2009 at 12:36am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was on a bus and a man was feeling up my butt. I was just about to step on his foot when the bus stopped and he slipped out. Only then did I realize he'd stolen my wallet. FML

by Nicked / 04/25/2009 at 7:50am / Israel / Money

Today, I was on a very crowded bus, standing near the back door. People had to get off at the stop, and being near the door, I had to step off the bus, allowing the people to exit. I was about to enter back into the bus, the door closed and the bus driver took off, leaving me stranded. FML

by coco / 06/18/2009 at 1:10am / Canada (Alberta) / Transportation

Today, I was having sex with a girl. After we finish, she tells me she already has a boyfriend, and that his penis is larger than mine. FML

by FML / 02/02/2009 at 1:27pm / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after a year of living together. She told me that she met someone else and wanted to move out. She moved out... but moved her things into my roommate's bedroom. FML

by killmenow / 02/19/2009 at 4:52pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love