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Today, my step-mom asked if I was having some eating issues. I admitted that maybe I've picked up some bad habits from friends and school. Now she won't stop bombarding me with self-help books and therapy websites. FML

by Anonymous / 01/11/2011 at 8:04pm / United States (Washington) / Health

Today, I went to the ER after a fall. Before the nurse did an X-Ray, she gave me a pregnancy test. It came back negative. I joked "No martians have crawled into my uterus, then?" She didn't get it, and I had my head scanned for brain trauma. Never crack a joke in a hospital. FML

by Anonymous / 01/17/2011 at 9:08pm / United States (New York) / Health

Today, I was at a fire roasting marshmallows. When mine caught on fire, I pulled it back so I could blow out the flames. It flew off the stick, and, still flaming, landed on my face. FML

by crayons128 / 01/24/2011 at 1:13am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I was waiting for my girlfriend, I wanted to have a serious talk about her hypochondria. She called to cancel because she was (self) diagnosed with some sort of 'neurological disorder'. FML

by Anonymous / 01/25/2011 at 2:19am / Korea Republic of (Ulsan-gwangyoksi) / Love

Today, my girlfriend called me to pick her up from jail. She'd been arrested for indecent exposure. FML

by Anonymous / 01/22/2011 at 3:20pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, at work, a homeless woman called me trash, threw her coffee at me, and told me to get a job. I do have a job. It's homeless outreach. FML

by Anonymous / 01/28/2011 at 6:44am / United States (New York) / Work

Today, my son and I attended my mother's funeral. It was the first time he'd been to such an event, so to ease his grief and distract him, I turned on Max and Ruby when we got home. He quickly broke into tears; apparently, it was the episode where Max and Ruby prepare their grandma a special birthday gift. FML

by sadcartoons / 02/12/2011 at 1:57pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me over the phone. He said I look too ugly when I cry to do it seriously in person. FML

by Jules / 02/21/2011 at 2:59am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I had to sell my wedding ring to help me pay for my divorce. FML

by loser / 05/09/2011 at 5:12pm / United States (New York) / Money

Today, my friend pushed me into the swimming pool. Unfortunately, we were eight feet away from the actual pool, so I face-planted and rolled in. FML

by kyle / 06/05/2011 at 3:00am / United States (Ohio) / Health

Today, I was sending my boyfriend dirty texts to try and turn him on so when I see him the next day he will want to get intimate. Twenty minutes later he texts back, "ew stop." FML

by McKenna / 07/16/2011 at 12:10am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy

Today, my husband threw out all of the spices in the cupboard. When I asked him why he said, "Our cat was named Spicy and I can't stand to look at them." Our recently deceased cat's name was Dicey. FML

by Tali / 07/28/2011 at 2:18am / Australia (Queensland) / Animals

Today, while out shopping, I noticed a seedy bum kept following a girl around the store. Trying to be a good samaritan, I trailed them into the street. The bum jogged up behind her and looked like he was about to grab her, so I ran up and tackled him to the ground. Turns out he was her father. FML

by fuck / 08/14/2011 at 3:31pm / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous