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Today, I was sitting in my bed drinking Yoohoo from a juice box. I decided it would be fun to see how much I could fit in my mouth. As soon as my mouth was full, I sneezed. FML

by Anonymous / 10/22/2009 at 8:15pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I dropped my keys in the toilet. While in the kitchen looking for something to fish them out with, I heard a door slam. My sister had to use the bathroom and didn’t see my keys in the toilet before sitting down. Lucky me, I caught her just as she was about to flush. FML

by ShittyKeys / 11/06/2009 at 3:57am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend told his best friend to text my sister telling her to tell me that he was breaking up with me. FML

by Anonymous / 11/06/2009 at 1:06am / United States (Washington) / Love

Today, I sent my boyfriend a letter, turns out it was the wrong address. My panties are now somewhere in Canadian post. FML

by cndpost / 11/13/2009 at 12:45am / Canada (British Columbia) / Love

Today, at lunch, a fly was buzzing around my food. I managed to kill the fly in my napkin in midair. I continued my lunch, pleased with my amazing ninja skills. When I was done with my lunch, I wiped my mouth with the napkin. I can still taste bug guts. Karma. FML

by munckncruncj15 / 10/22/2009 at 12:19am / United States (Virginia) / Animals

Today, I told my wife to block the mail of her ex (because he was sending her romantic mails) or I would leave. She told me that I could leave. FML

by RedLust / 11/13/2009 at 11:23pm / Bolivia (Cochabamba) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I got a well paying job that requires me to drive around and present a product to potential customers. After going out for a victory meal with friends, I came home to find my car broken into, and my GPS stolen. I need it for the job. FML

by Anonymous / 11/04/2009 at 3:39pm / United States (Ohio) / Transportation

Today, my son couldn't find all the parts to his Cub Scout uniform. I had a serious talk with him about being prepared, and how he would need to live with the consequences of not having the right outfit on. When we arrived at the meeting, everyone was in costumes because it's Halloween. I forgot. FML

by Anonymous / 10/29/2009 at 3:20pm / United States (Washington) / Kids

Today, as I stopped at a traffic light, I noticed the man in the car next to me break out in laughter. I pulled over later on to see that someone had drawn a large penis on the side of my van. I then spent all my morning cleaning it off. I went outside later only to see someone had redrawn it. FML

by WasteOfTime / 11/01/2009 at 9:36am / United Kingdom (Manchester) / Transportation

Today, after months of trying to potty train my son, he finally told me he used the potty. I went to the bathroom to check. There was nothing there. So I asked him "Where did you go to the potty?". He then grabbed my hand and took me to the cat's litter box. My son has successfully litter trained himself. FML

by anonymous / 11/16/2009 at 1:00am / Japan (Okinawa) / Kids

Today, I am lying next to my new husband. We went to Hawaii for our honeymoon and planned on spending the entire time in bed together. We succeeded in that goal, with both of us unable to leave each other's side for entire week. Sex? No. Food poisoning? Yes. FML

by IndieRox / 11/28/2009 at 5:03pm / United States (California) / Holidays

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has more armpit hair than me. FML

by manutdlol / 12/13/2009 at 1:15am / Malaysia (Kuala Lumpur) / Miscellaneous

Today, my dad and mom and I were going out to eat dinner. My dad wanted a romantic dinner just with my mom so he told me to make an excuse not to go. I did, which ended up as a huge fight, grounded and phone taken away. My dad just stood there in the background putting thumbs up. FML

by Yoooooo0 / 11/29/2009 at 1:10pm / United States / Miscellaneous