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Today, on a train, a little boy and girl come up to me and ask how babies are made. Already pretty uncomfortable with their question, their mother suddenly appears and says, "Go on, tell them!" FML

by Anthony / 04/14/2016 at 7:15pm / France / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend keeps requesting that I make eye contact when I give him blowjobs. He won't let up about it. I don't know how to break it to him that his penis is too small for me to suck and look upward at the same time. FML

by oh gee / 05/02/2016 at 1:01am / Intimacy

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend, because her military father, who doesn't like me, continuously threatened my safety for dating her. Now he's threatening to kill me for dumping her. I can't win. FML

by send the army please / 05/02/2016 at 2:51am / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, my teacher marked a test question wrong, even though I was sure I got it right, so I went online to check. I found a government-approved website showing proof that my answer was correct. My teacher still counted it wrong, because, "we follow the book". That book's older than I am. FML

by Anonymous / 07/05/2016 at 12:19pm / United States (Nebraska) / Miscellaneous

Today, it has been a year and a half since my boyfriend discovered online poker. Annoyed to see him spending every evening playing on his laptop, I threatened him: “Now honey, you have to choose. It’s your poker or me!” Answer: “You are bluffing!” FML

by Anonymous / 10/25/2008 at 12:54pm / Love

Today, the girl I'm secretly in love with, whom I was talking to on MSN, told me she'd "brb in 10, no wait 20, oh make that 30 min" depending on her boyfriend's stamina. FML

by loon / 10/28/2008 at 7:13am / Intimacy

Today, my philosophy teacher asked me about my parents. I replied that my mum was a cleaner and my dad was a bus driver. In an astonished voice, she said, "But, you're clever..." FML

by lamb-chop / 12/02/2008 at 1:32am / Miscellaneous

Today, my two favorite things in the world are Pizza and Beer... I now discover I have Celiac and can't have either. FML

by / 12/30/2008 at 5:41am / Health

Today, I decided to clean my room, find a job and ask a girl on a date. I ended up playing video games online. FML

by Noname / 01/16/2009 at 6:19pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Work

Today, I found out my girlfriend's password for okcupid is "i_love_mike". My name is not Mike. FML

by 751920 / 02/03/2009 at 3:49am / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, I got up at 5am, brushed my teeth, shaved and showered to get ready for work only to step barefoot in a huge pile of dog crap in the middle of my living room floor. I don't own a dog. FML

by RustyBulletHole / 02/04/2009 at 2:53am / United States (Illinois) / Animals

Today, I sent a text to my boyfriend saying 'Come over and do me.' He never responded. FML

by noneofthesex / 02/10/2009 at 3:46pm / United States (Minnesota) / Love

Today, I was at a fraternity party, and one of the hosts said over the loudspeaker "turn to the person next to you and picture them naked, then drink a beer if the mental image disturbs you". I turned, only to be face-to-face with my ex-boyfriend. He drank two beers. FML

by Noname / 02/15/2009 at 3:28pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Love