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Today, I've managed to go my whole nine-year teaching career without anyone vomiting in my classroom. That record was broken today when someone vomited four successive times in front of a class of 46 students. It was me. FML

#21373013
74 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31439) - you deserved it (2650)

On 03/12/2015 at 6:23am - work - by musicteacher - United States (North Carolina)

Today, I realized my job working with food is getting to me. While having sex with my boyfriend, I fell asleep. He asked me what I was doing, and apparently I sleep-talked, saying "I'm chopping lettuce". FML

#21343098
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33050) - you deserved it (4392)

On 01/23/2015 at 8:29pm - intimacy - by xoragebaby - United States

Today, I started to get horny while watching TV with my husband. I tried turning him on by telling him I wanted his cock. He cheerfully replied without looking away from the TV, "If only I gave a fuck, babe, if only I gave a fuck!" FML

#21304429
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37917) - you deserved it (4302)

On 11/23/2014 at 11:34am - intimacy - by 404: fuck not given (woman) - United States (Missouri)

Today, my daughter was putting clothes in the drier when she yelled, "Mom!! The drier won't start!" I had to explain to her that the door needed to be shut. Her response, "Oh. I didn't know that mattered." She's 15. FML

#21331580
78 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28838) - you deserved it (5652)

On 01/05/2015 at 8:59pm - kids - by i_am_forever - United States (California)

Today, while at work at a call center, I got a call from an elderly man who needed a new credit card because he'd accidentally cut up his own card instead of his wife's. Trying to be funny, I said "Trying to keep her in line, eh?" Turns out his wife had just died. FML

Today, I was supporting my aunt as she gave birth. She was getting tired during the pushing stage, so I tried to encourage her by making a show of pushing as well with each contraction. I got a little too into it and accidentally gave birth to a little turd of my own. FML

Today, I found out that my 2-year-old brother is afraid of his own penis. Whenever he doesn't have a diaper on, he screams, cries and yells, "Ew". FML

#21347945
76 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30083) - you deserved it (2458)

On 02/01/2015 at 7:43pm - health - by okseñoryoucrazy - United States (Washington)

Today, my instructor turned up late to get me for my driving test. I soon realized something was seriously wrong. Turned out his wife left him last night, and he'd been drinking the pain away all morning. He ended up rear-ending another car, and now I have to reschedule my test. FML

#21374413
70 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30066) - you deserved it (2214)

On 03/14/2015 at 12:11pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Wisconsin)

Today, I changed my toothbrush because the bristles were wearing down. My brother later asked me why I changed his toothbrush. Apparently we've been sharing the same one for the past several weeks. FML

#21403442
76 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29910) - you deserved it (3589)

On 05/02/2015 at 2:39pm - misc - by gross - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I found out the "sex noises" I heard from next door last night, which I'd angrily yelled at my neighbor for, were actually from him having an uncontrollable seizure. FML

#21405133
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28754) - you deserved it (11911)

On 05/05/2015 at 2:20pm - intimacy - by 420curse (man) - United States (California)

Today, I was playing Monopoly with my extended family. When my wife came home, she kicked me out of the game and took all my money and property. When I said she couldn't do that, she said "Sure I can. It's called divorce." Everyone laughed. Now I'm bored as hell, watching everyone else play. FML

#21395300
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28713) - you deserved it (3414)

On 04/17/2015 at 4:43pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United Kingdom (London, City of)

Today, I wore a pair of shorts a size too big while doing laundry. When I ordered a pizza afterwards and answered the door, I realized I looked a little heavy, so I sucked in my stomach. My shorts fell to the ground in front of the delivery guy. FML

#21408368
75 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26475) - you deserved it (8676)

On 05/11/2015 at 12:40pm - misc - by oops (woman) - United States (Maryland)

Today, I saw a lady with a stroller in the park. She stopped at the water fountain and got a drink, then left without her baby. I ran to the stroller and started rolling it after her. Two grown men attacked me, accusing me of trying to steal said baby. Turns out it was a baby doll. FML

#21397871
75 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28601) - you deserved it (2124)

On 04/22/2015 at 9:31am - kids - by ireallylikecats - United States



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