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Today, I went to a first aid training course. I had to lie on the floor and pretend I was unconscious. We were supposed to be doing the recovery position, but the guy I was working with decided to perform CPR instead and grope my boobs in the process. FML

by Anonymous / 10/28/2014 at 2:35pm / United Kingdom / Work

Today, I thought I felt my cellphone vibrating. Turned out it was just my girlfriend letting out a vicious fart against my leg. FML

by Anonymous / 11/10/2014 at 9:28am / Germany (Berlin) / Love

Today, my husband and I told my parents I was pregnant with my first child. The only thing my father did was look at my husband and tell him his pull out game was weak. FML

by wtfdad / 11/16/2014 at 12:29am / United States (New Jersey) / Kids

Today, I found out that my dog likes to howl when he hears sirens. I live next to the fire station. FML

by drreeeewwww / 11/25/2014 at 3:44pm / United States (Kentucky) / Animals

Today, I had to end a first date with the words, "You can get out of my car and go upstairs yourself, or I can come around and drag you out, bring you up the stairs, and knock on your door," because he'd gotten completely plastered in a span of about three hours. And yes, I had to drag him. FML

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. Being a chef of a highly-rated restaurant, I cooked a well-liked dish. Not only did she say no, but commented on how bland and tasteless the meal was. FML

by Sad Chef ;( / 12/04/2014 at 10:33pm / United States / Love

Today, my classmate commented on how quiet I am. I responded with, "Well, nobody plots murder out loud," trying to be funny. My teacher tried to get me arrested. FML

by justjoking / 12/16/2014 at 8:54pm / United States / Work

Today, I was having a nice conversation with my fiancé when he said out of nowhere, "I sold some of your panties". I thought he was joking so I said I hoped they weren't any of my favorites. He wasn't joking, though, and now some stranger from Craigslist owns my panties. FML

by konacoffee17 / 12/14/2014 at 12:15am / United States (Oregon) / Love

Today, the lady whose son I babysit sent me a text, saying she left a gift for me for all the hard work I've done. I found a beautifully-wrapped box where she said the gift was. It turned out my actual gift was cookies sitting right next to it. FML

by 1dvos_grl3 / 12/19/2014 at 7:53am / United States (Louisiana) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of six years. She got mad at me, saying she is too young to get married and that I was trying to ruin her career. She is 32 and works part-time at a grocery store. FML

by got any coupons? / 12/23/2014 at 10:24am / United States / Love

Today, a guy called me out of the blue. Apparently, he'd copied my number from a sheet we'd filled out in church. He doesn't understand why I'm "overreacting". FML

by janegeorge / 01/11/2015 at 7:39pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, in the magazine section of a bookstore, an old dude asked me politely to grab something that he couldn't reach. I did so with a smile, touched by his "nice old guy" demeanour, only glancing at the item in question as I handed it to him. It was a porn mag. FML

by beurk / 02/06/2015 at 12:18am / Miscellaneous

Today, the CEO of my company leaned over and said, "Hey, I've been meaning to thank you…" I thought he was going to thank me for all of my hard work, but he continued, "…for wearing that shirt today. I can totally see your boobs." FML

by titsmcgee / 02/11/2015 at 4:51pm / United States (Illinois) / Work