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Today, I told my younger brother that I'm a lesbian. Now he keeps asking me if I want to play rock, paper, vagina. FML

by Sarah / 04/09/2015 at 4:24pm / United States (Minnesota) / Love

Today, I had a theatre performance. I had to put on a lot of makeup for the role, and one of the guys said I looked nice. I smiled and said thanks. Seconds later, I'd been sucker-punched by his girlfriend for "flirting" with her man. FML

by Anonymous / 04/20/2015 at 10:45am / United Kingdom (Leicester) / Health

Today, I tried to write a bad review for the fast-food place at which I work part-time. My username made me anonymous, but I forgot to change my profile picture. Now my manager and coworkers won't even speak to me. FML

by Freelman / 05/06/2015 at 10:34am / Ireland (Dublin) / Work

Today, I fell asleep while working the night shift. It took me 3 hours and a whole lot of dirty looks while walking home before I looked in a mirror and saw my cockbite of a coworker had drawn a swastika on my forehead while I was asleep. FML

by pop, pop / 05/08/2015 at 11:44am / United States (California) / Work

Today, while we were at a work party, I noticed a drunk lady in the mix. I pointed out to my boss how dumb she looked. It was his daughter. FML

by boss_daughter / 05/20/2015 at 8:03am / United States / Work

Today, I took a nap. My boyfriend took this opportunity to go over to his "beautiful" and "amazing" ex-girlfriend's house to help her clean out her pool. I told him I didn't think that was appropriate. He told me I don't value relationships and didn't come home tonight. FML

by bev_rogan / 06/21/2015 at 6:16am / United States (Indiana) / Love

Today, I decided to wax my eyebrows. My entire eyebrow came off. FML

by Eyebrowless / 06/06/2015 at 12:29pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I asked my boss for a couple of days off to recover from a nasty ear infection which has left me hard of hearing. However, he didn't understand why that would affect my job and refused. I work in a telephone call centre. FML

by Anonymous / 06/10/2015 at 9:26am / United Kingdom / Work

Today, my boss told me I wasn't getting the promotion I'd been angling for. I was so pissed off, I ranted to a coworker about it over lunch. Turns out my boss was just testing how I dealt with rejection before making his final decision. He overheard my rant and me calling him a Nazi bitch. FML

by Anonymous / 07/11/2015 at 2:13am / Australia / Work

Today, my long-distance boyfriend came to see me and told me that he had a surprise for me. I was excited at the idea of a romantic gesture, but forgot about it until he arrived and things began heating up. As I was removing his pants, I said, "Ooh, you shaved!" to which he replied, "Surprise!" FML

by mirandale / 07/02/2015 at 1:53am / United States (North Carolina) / Intimacy

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my husband let my 8-year-old twins play with handcuffs. I thought my husband was pretending he had lost the key but after 4 hours, he walked in with his head down and said, "I've made a terrible mistake honey." FML

by hfs palm / 06/21/2015 at 5:37pm / United States / Kids

Today, I found out that what I thought was my brother gasping and groaning in his dreams most nights is actually him jacking off. FML

by yuck / 06/05/2015 at 3:11pm / Intimacy

Today, after parking in the handicapped spot of a lot with my placard, an older couple with their 7-year-old grandchild came up and yelled at me for being a lying asshole and taking the parking spot. When I showed them my prosthetic leg, the kid started crying and guess who got yelled at again. FML

by ICanExplain / 06/22/2015 at 4:46pm / United States (California) / Health