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Today, I sat down for a poop. The toilet seat slid off immediately, taking me with it. I lay on the bathroom floor for several moments stunned, still pooping. FML

by pooplife / 11/30/2014 at 2:32pm / United Kingdom (Nottingham) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out I was the top ranking sales person for 2014. What did last year's winner receive? An all-expenses paid weekend holiday. What did I receive? A ham. I'm vegetarian. FML

by Bahhumbug / 12/22/2014 at 9:24am / Australia (Western Australia) / Work

Today, I went out to a bar with some of my friends. They're all in committed relationships, but every single one of them got hit on. I'm single, and yet again, nobody even said hi to me. FML

by Anonymous / 12/18/2014 at 10:34am / Belgium (Antwerpen) / Love

Today, both my female flatmate and my gay male flatmate have got their boyfriends round. They've both stuck 'Do Not Disturb' signs on their bedroom doors and are both playing music which doesn't quite muffle the sounds of what they're up to. I haven't had a date in over six months. FML

by fukinlonely / 01/12/2015 at 7:53am / United Kingdom / Love

Today, is the blizzard. I have to go into work, my boss threatened to fire me if I didn't show up. I sent him a picture of the snow completely covering my car. He said I moved the snow there and could move it back. FML

by bitchypast / 01/27/2015 at 6:50pm / United States (Maine) / Work

Today, I realized my job working with food is getting to me. While having sex with my boyfriend, I fell asleep. He asked me what I was doing, and apparently I sleep-talked, saying "I'm chopping lettuce". FML

74I agree, your life sucks36805Yep, we thought so too4881

by xoragebaby / 01/23/2015 at 8:29pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, in the middle of my haircut, the hairdresser went into labor. They never finished cutting it. FML

Today, I woke up to a broken car window and a text from my ex that read, "Before you ask me, the answer is yes." FML

by jamienicole1993 / 02/04/2015 at 8:21pm / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was talking to my friend in Spanish because he understands it better than English. We were in the middle of a discussion about a TV show when some guy from our school ran up, spat on my shoes and screamed, "I SPEAK SPANISH, STOP TALKING ABOUT ME!" and ran away. FML

by marigoldcobain / 02/04/2015 at 6:11pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my 3-year-old daughter came along, pointing a finger at me. I pretended to eat it by putting it in my mouth. She then said to me with disgust, "Why are you eating my booger?" Ah, that explains the saltiness… FML

by ManchotDesAndes / 02/26/2015 at 2:35am / Kids

Today, I had a theatre performance. I had to put on a lot of makeup for the role, and one of the guys said I looked nice. I smiled and said thanks. Seconds later, I'd been sucker-punched by his girlfriend for "flirting" with her man. FML

by Anonymous / 04/20/2015 at 10:45am / United Kingdom (Leicester) / Health

Today, I told my younger brother that I'm a lesbian. Now he keeps asking me if I want to play rock, paper, vagina. FML

by Sarah / 04/09/2015 at 4:24pm / United States (Minnesota) / Love

Today, I pulled up to a red light. My ex was in the next car, and my car's windows are so tinted that you can't see through them, so I flipped him off. I was driving my mom's car. FML

by queenbitch / 04/19/2015 at 9:39pm / United States (Michigan) / Love