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Today, I met my new neighbors. The first thing they did was build a fence. FML

by welcome to the neighborhood / 04/28/2016 at 7:35pm / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, after spending all day begging my husband to stop playing video games and show me some attention, I finally fell asleep out of boredom. As soon as I did, he shut the game off and went to hang out with our neighbor. FML

by megsterr413 / 05/27/2016 at 12:45am / United States (Massachusetts) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was grabbed and romantically kissed at the crowded carnival. Unfortunately, it was not by my husband but instead it was a complete stranger, in front of my husband and children. Now, my husband will not talk or believe that I didn't know the man, and my children think I'm a cheater. FML

by babyscarface / 06/12/2016 at 11:48am / United States (California) / Love

Today, my boyfriend invited me over to his house. I was planning on breaking up with him while at his house. Turns out, it was a proposal party. I'm now engaged because it would've been rude to say no in front of his family that had flown in. FML

by anonymous / 06/25/2016 at 11:50pm / United States (Tennessee) / Love

Today, I needed to go to the toilet. Thinking that everyone had left work, I decided that, since I AM a Jedi, my penis ought to be my lightsaber. All of a sudden I hear a familiar voice: "At least someone is having fun!" It was my boss. FML

by lopez / 12/15/2008 at 10:58pm / Work

Today, I made my new girlfriend orgasm for the first time. All she said after was "I drooled a little". FML

by nicknack22 / 02/01/2009 at 10:48am / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy

Today, I found out my girlfriend's password for okcupid is "i_love_mike". My name is not Mike. FML

by 751920 / 02/03/2009 at 3:49am / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, I spent $400 at the stripclub and got 4 phone numbers. I as walked out of the club, I noticed it was trans-night. FML

by bluntedone / 02/02/2009 at 11:42pm / United States (Arizona) / Money

Today, I was talking with some of my friends who are girls. They were all complaining about how there was no good boys left to ask to the Sadie Hawkins Dance. Hoping for an invite I mentioned I was still availiable. They just laughed at me and invited me to come dress shopping with them. FML

by Noname / 02/09/2009 at 6:47pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was tutoring kids at an elementary school. One kid messed up my hair. I said, "Why'd you do that??" He said, "I have lice, now you have lice too!" FML

by imalilangel05 / 02/10/2009 at 10:08am / United States (Virginia) / Kids

Today, I decided to lighten my hair. I applied the dye and waited 20 minutes. When I went to wash the dye out, the water wouldn't turn on. After my head started to burn, I called the landlord in a panic. Turns out there was a water main break and the entire city block doesn't have water. FML

by NowABlonde / 03/09/2009 at 12:23pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I learned I made the dean's honor list for my college for the first time since attending. I asked my dad if he was proud of me, to which he replied, "when you're as successful as your brother, I'll be proud." My brother is a Chippendale's dancer. FML

by GracelandDave / 03/19/2009 at 3:10am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, at 4:00 a.m., I woke up and realized that I had thrown an expensive gift certificate for a friend in the garbage. Since it was garbage day, I ran out in the rain in my pajamas and rifled through all three bags of garbage. Twice. I found the gift certificate. It was in my pocket. FML

by Anonymous / 03/19/2009 at 4:47pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous