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Today, I slipped in my own vomit while dashing to the bathroom to puke. My knee hit and shattered the toilet; the toilet shattered my knee. FML

by kunjac0945 / 09/14/2015 at 1:21am / United States (New York) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, while working at a children's toy store, a woman walked in, looked around a bit, then asked if we sell dildos. FML

by Anonymous / 08/16/2015 at 11:22am / United States / Work

Today, I asked my boyfriend of 3 years what he thought about marriage in the future. "Who knows? We might meet other people soon." FML

by Spinster / 09/30/2015 at 1:26am / United States (Colorado) / Love

Today, my boyfriend convinced me to face my fear of horror movies by promising to hold my hand through the entire flick. He fell asleep 10 minutes into it, farting and snoring in his sleep, whilst I was paralysed by fear. FML

by Anonymous / 09/12/2015 at 4:50pm / United Kingdom (Essex) / Miscellaneous

Today, my dog vomited a writhing mass of maggots. It was the most disgusting thing I've ever smelled, and I was baffled as to where she found a maggot infested dead thing to eat. Baffled, until my mom reminded me that my cat has been missing, presumed dead, for over a week. FML

by wormsmeat / 09/17/2015 at 5:08pm / Canada (Ontario) / Animals

Today, I decided to give a break to my students halfway through my 3 hour lecture. The break became the end of the lecture, because nobody came back. FML

by MedHistory / 09/15/2015 at 4:40pm / Canada (Quebec) / Work

Today, my parents pranked me hard. They spent breakfast messing with my head, all to convince me that I was dreaming. I got so excited at finally having a lucid dream that I ran outside in my pajamas, yelling "Woo-hoo!" and trying to fly. Nothing happened. People saw. FML

by Anonymous / 10/02/2015 at 6:22pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, the father of my unborn child got laid off. Without a work visa, he may have to leave the country before this baby even arrives. FML

Today, I woke up to noises in my living room. I was scared, but I loaded my gun and snuck downstairs. I burst into the living room, yelled for the motherfucker robbing me to put his hands up, and flicked on the light. My cat stared back at me like I was a moron then calmly walked out. FML

by Anonymous / 10/24/2015 at 10:47pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Animals

Today, I found out that aside from being savagely overworked and treated like shit for zero pay, another one of my responsibilities as an intern is to take the blame for my boss accidentally posting a link to a porn site on the company's Twitter account. FML

by Anonymous / 11/03/2015 at 12:54pm / United States / Work

Today, I had to take my son to the ER after he badly messed up trying to light his farts on fire. FML

by Anonymous / 12/26/2015 at 1:23pm / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, my friend insisted I wear her brand new hoodie for the day. When I gave it back after a few hours, she said she just needed it stretched and couldn't find someone fatter to stretch it for her. FML

by Anonymous / 12/26/2015 at 9:07pm / United States (New Mexico) / Miscellaneous

Today, a woman who I have spoken to approximately twice in my life, asked me out. I turned her down in the most harmless way I could. Three hours later, I found my car keyed and my windshield wipers gone. FML

by Anonymous / 12/10/2015 at 7:10pm / United States (Iowa) / Transportation