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Today, I was woken up by my wife softly kissing me on the lips. Half asleep, I kissed her back, before quickly opening my eyes and realising it wasn't my wife; it was my dog. FML

#21246644
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36568) - you deserved it (6864)

On 08/27/2014 at 7:04pm - animals - by Anonymous - United Kingdom (London, City of)

Today, my college did a fire drill, and instructions were given by intercom in English and Spanish. The guy beside me mused: "If they say it in English and Mexican, why not say it in Black too?" That guy is my idiot brother, and he was dead serious. Sometimes I think our parents are related. FML

#21257016
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35412) - you deserved it (2935)

On 09/12/2014 at 4:47pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I tried to blink out a small speck of dirt that was caught in my eye. Instead, I learned what it feels like to suffocate a small, angry spider with your eyelid. FML

#21251632
75 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42803) - you deserved it (3193)

On 09/04/2014 at 2:44am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Michigan)

Today, I found out I sent several embarrassing videos while under the influence of the meds I was given while getting my wisdom teeth out. When I asked my mom why she didn't take my phone, she said she tried but I started whining and growling at her. FML

Today, I had to decline the sale of alcohol to a man who reeked of booze and was practically falling asleep at my till. He tried to convince me that he wasn't drunk, he was just blind. Still refusing to sell him the beer, he started yelling at me, accusing me of "being racist against the 'blinds'". FML

#21256123
75 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36892) - you deserved it (2904)

On 09/11/2014 at 2:49am - work - by PerfectVision (woman) - United States (Washington)

Today, I went on a blind date that my friend set up. He greeted me with a winning smile, a belch, and the words, "Nice tits." I'm beginning to lose hope. FML

#21265612
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35883) - you deserved it (3415)

On 09/26/2014 at 2:56am - love - by bri_sci94 - United States (Wisconsin)

Today, marks yet again another day that I've been asked if I'm autistic. No, that's just my Korean accent. Apparently I look "too white" to have one. FML

#21265402
75 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31971) - you deserved it (2449)

On 09/25/2014 at 9:15pm - misc - by notautistic - United States (Minnesota)

Today, as I was laying in bed in my dark room, with only my phone's light on, a huge moth flew around it and directly into my open mouth. FML

#21285341
74 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29602) - you deserved it (5062)

On 10/25/2014 at 11:47pm - misc - by j_portal - United States (New Jersey)

Today, I saw a long black hair coming out of the drain. Thinking it was my sister's, I called her in and pulled it out for her to see, only to realize I was actually pulling out a long brown roach by the antenna. FML

#21296899
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34246) - you deserved it (4395)

On 11/11/2014 at 11:56am - animals - by izzy46111 - United States (Arizona)

Today, my boyfriend and I tried roleplaying a teacher-student during sex. We're both studying to be actors, so we ended up going into a really deep, emotional storyline that didn't end in sex at all. FML

#21284275
70 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37658) - you deserved it (10970)

On 10/24/2014 at 6:54am - intimacy - by too good - United Kingdom (Kent)

Today, I started to get horny while watching TV with my husband. I tried turning him on by telling him I wanted his cock. He cheerfully replied without looking away from the TV, "If only I gave a fuck, babe, if only I gave a fuck!" FML

#21304429
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37833) - you deserved it (4291)

On 11/23/2014 at 11:34am - intimacy - by 404: fuck not given (woman) - United States (Missouri)

Today, I farted while asking a girl out to dinner. FML

#21306727
74 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31366) - you deserved it (6502)

On 11/27/2014 at 10:13am - love - by fart - United States (Michigan)

Today, I spent 20 minutes arguing with the class dipshit, trying to convince her that wifi hot-spots are not in fact saunas powered by wifi. FML

#21302021
75 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29563) - you deserved it (3601)

On 11/19/2014 at 10:09am - misc - by Donutsarelife - United States



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