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Today, I bragged to a coworker that our boss compliments me constantly on my work performance, my fashion sense, and my trustworthiness. She then directed me to a "neighborhood watch" website. My boss is a registered sex offender. FML

by Kat / 03/08/2009 at 12:47am / United States (Colorado) / Intimacy

Today, while I was babysitting, the toddler was feeding me banana slices from her tray while I was cutting up clay for her to mold. It was all fine until she shoved something hard and crunchy into my mouth. I immediately spat it out into my hand. It was a dead cricket she found on the floor. FML

by storyofmylife / 03/14/2009 at 10:27pm / United States / Kids

Today, my Christian boyfriend of six months broke up with me. I had told him when we started dating that I was an atheist, and he just now decided to look up what it is. He gave me a bible. FML

by Noname / 03/14/2009 at 12:48pm / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, I was having lunch at a cafe. There was an attractive guy looking at me from another table. I smiled back and gave a little wink. A minute later he approached me. I introduced myself and asked if he wanted my number. He said, "Um, no but what are you eating? It looks really good" FML

by Samantha / 03/28/2009 at 10:14pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, at the rehearsal for my wedding, my mother told my bride's mother to fuck off. FML

by Anonymous / 04/17/2009 at 11:14pm / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous

Today, my grandpa told me he can still get aroused even though he is 84. Im 32 and have erectile dysfunction. FML

by fuckerman / 05/02/2009 at 11:47pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I noticed my parents replaced my senior picture that hung on our livingroom wall with a painted one. Of our German Sheperd. FML

by trgtyo / 05/18/2009 at 7:20pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was laying out in my backyard trying to get some color, when I felt a little tickle on my lips. I rubbed them together to satisfy the itch, when I felt a sort of crunchish popping between them. I had crushed a spider between my lips and its legs were still moving. FML

by spiderinmylips / 06/24/2009 at 4:19pm / United States (New York) / Animals

Today, I had three sheriffs come to my door, turns out my boyfriend of three years went on a robbing spree last week and brought the stolen merchandise back to my apartment. The best part: He used my car while committing the robberies. FML

by Ipickthegoodones / 06/26/2009 at 2:43am / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up late. My grandparents had slept over the night before but they usually left early. I heard someone in the kitchen and thinking it was my brother, I said "Thank god, the geriatric crew is FINALLY gone." My grandma responds, "No we're not." FML

by Anonymous / 06/28/2009 at 2:25pm / Israel (Tel Aviv) / Miscellaneous

Today, my wife tried to catch the bouquet at my sister's wedding. Afterward I informed her that only single women were supposed to do that, and she replied "I know". My wife told me that she was divorcing me at my sister's wedding. FML

by dwaggle / 07/01/2009 at 8:58pm / United States (Connecticut) / Love

Today, I went to the gym to lift weights because my arm muscles are pathetic. In order to use a machine, I needed to pull out a knob to adjust the seat setting. After an embarassing struggle, a worker came over and helped me. Turns out I'm not even strong enough to adjust the seat settings. FML

by Heethersays / 07/02/2009 at 11:06pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, after buying dinner from the supermarket, I had the change in my hand, and my wallet. In the parking lot, a quarter fell out of my hand, and right next to the street drain. As I went to pick it up, my wallet fell down the drain. FML

by Anonymous / 07/09/2009 at 1:15am / United States (New York) / Money